3. Cat Blither Numb: 1 Title:Meet My Cats From: KIWI Date: 08-19-85 Time:01;50 Purrcolator: Her full title is "Purrcolator, the Aptly Named". Purrcolator is "aptly named" because she loves to purr, and when she does, it sounds very irregular and chaotic, more like something coming to a boil than like a cat purring. Purrcolator's favorite spot is on top of my monitor. Purrcolator can fetch the little round plastic things that come off the lids of one-gallon plastic milk bottles. She runs when she's chasing them, but when she's returning them, she trots. When she finally brings them back, she chirps. That's right, Purrcolator also does an excellent chickadee imitation. Aside from fetching, her favorite hobby is killing things that can't fight back, and taking her sweet time doing it. Beardo: Her full title is "Beardo, the Aptly Named". Beardo is "aptly named" because it looks like she has a little beard on her chin. (Which is a much better place than her elbow, I might add.) Beardo's favorite spot is so far back in the closet that you can't see it. Beardo's three primary activities are: eating, sleeping, and excreting. The thing I like best about Beardo is the fact that she eats her own vomit. That saves you the trouble of cleaning it up. Other than that, there really isn't much to say about Beardo, other than that she has caught two bats in mid-air. Sammie: Her full title is "Sammie, the Aptly Named". Sammie is "aptly named" because of her most apparent attribute: nothing in particular. Sometimes she goes by one of her many aliases, which include "Sammie-lator", "Sammie-lotor", and "The Cat Simulator". Sammie's favorite spot is on top of the piano. Sammie sheds in the summer and sleeps in the winter. Come to think of it, she sleeps in the summer, too. The most impressive thing about Sammie is that she can both shed and sleep at the same time. I should warn you: Sammie has been practicing shedding her whole life, and if you anger her in the least, she will blast you with cat-hair until you can't breathe. Reportedly, she has fired her cat-hair faster than the speed of sound, causing sonic booms heard three miles away, and the army is investigating using her offspring as a new tactical weapon. Too bad for them, I had her spayed. --Kiwi, God of a Thousand Blithers, et al P.S. Meet Krill's Cat Streak: Krill tells me that Streak used to be aptly named, but now Streak is twelve years old and has put on too much weight, so he just sits around reminiscing about what it was like to streak. (He doesn't wear clothes, so in one sense, he still does streak.) Streak has a face like a moose and a voice like a sheep, which he uses more often than he should. (His favorite word is: "Baaa!") The fur on Streak's neck is bright pink, which contrasts greatly with his otherwise "cream"-colored coat. Streak's favorite pastime is demanding to be let in the back door, and then demanding to be let out the front. Numb : 2 Title: ! From : KRILL Date : 10-25-85 Time : 03;14 There's a cat on my lap. Numb : 3 Title: !! From : KRILL Date : 10-26-85 Time : 06;05 It seems to be rather content. Numb : 4 Title: !!! From : BLUE ADEPT Date : 10-26-85 Time : 10;56 I've got Krill beat. Every time you sit down in my house, two cats mysteriously materialize on you. Doesn't have to be your lap. Could be your chest, your legs, they're not fussy. You could sit down to read the latest issue of Omni, and suddenly you look up, and realize that the cats have once again landed on you, and you never even knew when it happened. Could be worse. It could be pizzas. Numb : 5 Title: Nyah!!! From : KRILL Date : 10-26-85 Time : 21;35 Oh, yeah??? Well, my cat is so clever that it can figure out the exact paragraph that I am trying to read, and then sit on it. Has anybody ever figured out the factor by which cats gain weight when sitting on a heater vent? Krill Numb : 6 Title: COMPRESSION OBSESSION From : BLUE ADEPT Date : 12-04-85 Time : 22;55 LOCAL 'HACKER' INDICTED FOR COMPRESSING CATS In a surprise move today, federal agents, in cooperation with state and local detectives, made a daring daylight raid on the home of a local 'hacker' whose alias on Bulletin Boards is 'The Blue Adept'. Her entire collection of Cat Compression software, as well as several tens of dollars worth of computer equipment, was confiscated (one FBI agent was heard to say, 'This will look great under the ol' Christmas tree...') Several already-compressed cats were taken into state custody as evidence. 'She was obsessed with compression', said one local official. 'Her husband said that all she ever did was sit in her room and compress those cats. They seemed to enjoy it, at least, they never changed their expressions.' Her husband commented, 'She learned it from that '$()"#$'$ Kiwi on Compute. What's a decent, law- abiding husband supposed to do?' The cats declined to comment. Numb : 7 Title: AT LAST! From : JEFFRO Date : 12-05-85 Time : 12;23 AT LAST!!!! THANX FOR UNCOVERING A LONG HIDDEN OBSESSION OF MINE! NOW I CAN COME OUT OF THE CLOSET & CONFESS TO THE WORLD THAT I'M INTO CAT-COMPRESSION! FOR YEARS, I'VE THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS A "SICKO"......A "PERVERT"......A (AHEM) "COMPRESSIONIST". ITS BEEN A MISERABLE LIFE ALL THESE YEARS, BUT AT LAST I CAN OPENLY ADMIT IT. THANX TO YOU, BLUE, WE "COMPRESSIONISTS" CAN FACE EACH DAY WITH A TOTALLY NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE....WITHOUT FEAR.....WITHOUT THE SHAME OF LOOKING OUT FROM A CRACK IN THE "CLOSET DOOR", AS IT WERE. HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "CAT'S EYE" (STEVEN SPIELBERG)?? LIKE THE MOTHER WHO WAS TRYING TO CATCH THE CAT IN A BOX BY LURING IT WITH A BOWL OF FOOD CALLED "GOBBLER'S GOAT N' TUNA" (STRAINED, OF COURSE). THEN SHE LOOKS AT THE CAT & SAYS "HERE KITTY, KITTY.....COME ON YOU, FURRY LITTLE BASTARD." THAT'S A PRIME EXAMPLE OF THE CLOSET COMPRESSIONISTS COMING INTO PUBLIC VIEW! LONG LIVE "CC" (CLOSET COMPRESSIONISTS)!! JEFFRO Numb : 8 Title: Compression and Herb From : THUFIR HAWAT Date : 12-05-85 Time : 23;07 Hey, It's neat that I had the oppurtunity to read about other compressors comming out of the closet and communicating for the betterment of educating others about this dread sickness. I have been a compressor for 18 years now, and quite frankly didn't know that so many others share my problem. Gee, it sure is great to get this off my chest! Numb : 9 Title: Compression algorithms From : KRILL Date : 12-09-85 Time : 04;37 I was trying to develop a better cat compression algorithm, but not being a compressionist myself, I thought I might ask some advice. When compressing cats, is it necessary to be able to restore the cat to its original state? The main problem in developing a compression algorithm is that it is hard to compress something, and still retain all of the information necessary to restore it, but if restoration is not desired, you can compress something quite a bit. Krill Numb : 10 Title: Impressionists From : BLUE ADEPT Date : 12-16-85 Time : 07;34 I have discovered that after you have compressed a cat and then decompressed it several times, it suddenly becomes an 'Impressionist Cat'. No, it doesn't suddenly put on a little kitty smock and paint a fuzzy picture, it BECOMES a fuzzy picture! You come home from work and there's this not-quite-clearly-defined cat lounging under the Christmas tree, looking smug. Has anyone else had this experience? p.s. Impressionist Cats also acquire a suddenly enhanced ability to appear magically on your lap without you even realizing they were moving in. Most unsettling. Numb : 11 Title: Cats From : KRILL Date : 12-17-85 Time : 07;55 It is a well-known fact that cats are capable of manipulating their mass. They can change their mass to zero when they want to reach a place in zero time (there is no limit on speed or acceleration for objects with zero mass), and they can increase their mass considerably when they want to stay someplace where you don't want them. Imagine, if there were only some way that we could harness this skill, we could build cat-powered FTL spacecraft. And if, while using these craft to colonize the rest of the universe, we find some nasty aliens, just think how easy it would be to take care of them. Just fire a cat-torpedo at the aliens' star (From any distance -- since it will reach there in zero time.), upon impact the cat increases its mass to the critical point where it self-compresses (Bet you didn't know they could do that!) into a black hole, dragging the aliens in. Krill Numb : 12 Title: Cheshire compression From : KRILL Date : 01-09-86 Time : 12;46 Have you ever realized that there could be millions of Cheshire cats in the room with you that are just waiting to be compressed, and you'd never know it? Krill Numb : 13 Title: Cheshire compression From : KRILL Date : 01-13-86 Time : 19;02 The problem with compressing Cheshire cats, though, is that you're never quite sure if you've succeeded. Krill Numb : 14 Title: New Breakthrough From : RED PIRATE Date : 01-14-86 Time : 11;16 There's been a great new breakthrough in the field of Cat-Compression. Top Prefessors in the field, have developed a device that compresses Tigers, Leopards, Lions, etc... into portable pocket self-defense devices. If you're mugged, robbed, etc... just pull out your Compressed Lion, etc... and add a mouth full of spit to it. Then BINGO! You have a full grown feline of the giant order on your hands, ready to be sicked on the villain at hand. Everyone should own a dozen of these handy articles. All major breeds of big cats are handled. Just stop by your local K-Mart and ask at the desk. Suggested retail is 60,000 Suessians. (The currency of Dr. Suess land). I thank you for your time.... Red... Numb : 15 Title: Breakthrough Broken From : KIWI Date : 01-14-86 Time : 22;58 After a smash fourth quarter '85, Dr. Suess's pre-compressed cat empire has crumbled, due to a recent ruling that the "self-defense" items are more dangerous than Mr. T's breath. It seems that once the animals are de-compressed, there is no way of telling them who to attack, and about fifty percent of the time, they attack their owner, believing him to be Dr. Suess. Zoo authorities claim to have collected most of the runaway felines, restoring Mr. T to the title of most dangerous self-defense item on the streets. Rumor has it, though, that Apteryx Labs are almost ready to bring into production a new self-defense item based on modern post-Einsteinian compression technology. More news on this as it develops. --Kiwi Numb : 16 Title: Compression error. From : JOHN CLEAVER Date : 01-15-86 Time : 01;58 Has anyone else, besides me, accidently compressed their dog? I have found that the cat decompressor won't work, and I sure do miss Rover. Numb : 17 Title: CATTIE PATTIE From : THUFIR HAWAT Date : 01-19-86 Time : 16;23 FIRST OF ALL, to whoever sent the message in which he allegedly accidentally compressed his dog: HOW COULD YOU ACCIDENTALLY COMPRESS YOUR DOG?! It's not exactly the easiest process in the world! You sound like some kind of sickie to me! Next, about Cathaffi: I know our president has condemned his acts of feline barbarism as unforgivable. I know he is a true flake. I know he is in cohorts with all the other foreign breeds (like Yassir Whiskerfat) who would love to get their paws on our litter and dethrone the domestic shorthair. I KNOW - but we, as american cat owners (and compressors) must remember that our country does not have adequate evidence to prove what we know to be. I would love to have the oppurtunity to assassinate Purina Nidal, the mastermind feline behind these abominable acts of cat-treachery! We must be patient, for soon someone will slip, and we will be ready to fight to keep our country the land of the free and the home of the domestic shorthair. Oh yeah, by the way, my favorite cats to compress are tabbys and siamese. If you haven't compressed one of them, you haven't compressed a cat! (look at their expression). Besides, they are really brave about it, and a tabby is the easiest to decompress. Numb : 18 Title: Computerized Compression From : BLUE ADEPT Date : 01-24-86 Time : 07;59 I have found it possible to hook up my C64 to the compressor. Now when I am at work the cats can walk over, press a lever with their little paws, step inside and be compressed or decompressed as many times as they llke! The only thing is that my neighbors have been reporting strange apparitions of cats walking thru walls and on their ceilings.... Numb : 19 Title: Billists From : BLUE ADEPT Date : 01-27-86 Time : 07;27 I'm overwhelmed! My cats LIKE to be compressed, when I come home and check the counter variable on my C64 it's over 20 compressions/decompressions per day! As you know, cats really get off on hiding when you want them, or suddenly appearing just where you don't want them. With the compression unit they've been able to safely annoy the neighbors (mine are now MUCH quieter!) Maybe the people who condemn compression are talking about FORCED COMPRESSIONS, which are very annoying to cats and should not be done. Anyway, is there a religion board around here? Never mind--ANY religion belongs on a blither board! (With the possible exception of druidism.) Numb : 20 Title: I'm bored. From : KRILL Date : 02-05-86 Time : 01;12 Anyone for a nice game of musical cats? Numb : 21 Title: Ouch! From : KRILL Date : 02-07-86 Time : 00;57 Never play musical cats with a siamese. Numb : 22 Title: A letter from Gramps From : KRILL Date : 03-03-86 Time : 06;10 I just received a letter from my grandfather that might be of interest to some of you: Dear Krill, I was very pleased to hear your latest Zimbob anecdotes; they really made my day. I am sorry, though, to hear about Ralph. I know that you were deeply fond of him--I, too, was beginning to grow attached to the little bugger. I can still vividly remember that day that he followed you home. He looked so cute, rotating about with his cilia wagging merrily, that it wasn't very hard for you to cajole your mother into letting you keep him. Boy! If she had only known then how often she'd end up cleaning out his petri dish... Yup, it sure is a shame about old Ralph. But anyway, there really is something I must talk to you about. I noticed that you wrote that you were very excited about some new cat-compression machine that you've bought. I simply cannot condone what you're doing, Krill. I own nine cats myself, as you know, and I am proud to say that I still compress every one by hand. You kids today are always taking the easy way to pleasure. You all have your new-fangled cat-compression machines, with their 80% efficient compression algorithms, and their automatic remote unattended operation... You kids have forgotten all the meaning to cat-compression! Cat-compression is a very personal experience between you and your cat, but you kids have reduced it to a mechanical process devoid of all feeling!!! I implore you, Krill, to be a man! Take an axe to that vile machine immediately. Your cat will thank you for it. --Grandkrill Numb : 23 Title: Non-Compression From : KIWI Date : 03-04-86 Time : 14;15 Ten things that can't be compressed: 1. Blither 2. Cygnus X-1 3. Zimbob's badness 4. Zimbob's goodness 5. Zimbob 6. No cats 7. Dry cat food (except for "Happy Cat" brand) 8. F^2 Rs U^2 Rs-1 9. The Compact Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary 10. Euclid's Postulates --Kiwi Numb : 24 Title: A non-solicited testimonial From : KRILL Date : 03-15-86 Time : 03;38 Anglo Compression Inc 117 E. High St., Mt. Vernon Ohio "No cat too small!" Numb : 25 Title: Cat query From : KRILL Date : 04-17-86 Time : 10;12 Does anybody know if confabulatory cats have calcaneocuboid ligaments? Krill