3. Cat Blither
Numb: 1
Title:Meet My Cats
From: KIWI
Date: 08-19-85 Time:01;50
Purrcolator: Her full title is "Purrcolator, the Aptly Named". Purrcolator is
"aptly named" because she loves to purr, and when she does, it sounds very
irregular and chaotic, more like something coming to a boil than like a cat
purring. Purrcolator's favorite spot is on top of my monitor. Purrcolator can
fetch the little round plastic things that come off the lids of one-gallon
plastic milk bottles. She runs when she's chasing them, but when she's
returning them, she trots. When she finally brings them back, she chirps.
That's right, Purrcolator also does an excellent chickadee imitation. Aside
from fetching, her favorite hobby is killing things that can't fight back, and
taking her sweet time doing it.
Beardo: Her full title is "Beardo, the Aptly Named". Beardo is "aptly named"
because it looks like she has a little beard on her chin. (Which is a much
better place than her elbow, I might add.) Beardo's favorite spot is so far
back in the closet that you can't see it. Beardo's three primary activities
are: eating, sleeping, and excreting. The thing I like best about Beardo is
the fact that she eats her own vomit. That saves you the trouble of cleaning
it up. Other than that, there really isn't much to say about Beardo, other
than that she has caught two bats in mid-air.
Sammie: Her full title is "Sammie, the Aptly Named". Sammie is "aptly named"
because of her most apparent attribute: nothing in particular. Sometimes she
goes by one of her many aliases, which include "Sammie-lator", "Sammie-lotor",
and "The Cat Simulator". Sammie's favorite spot is on top of the piano.
Sammie sheds in the summer and sleeps in the winter. Come to think of it, she
sleeps in the summer, too. The most impressive thing about Sammie is that she
can both shed and sleep at the same time. I should warn you: Sammie has been
practicing shedding her whole life, and if you anger her in the least, she will
blast you with cat-hair until you can't breathe. Reportedly, she has fired her
cat-hair faster than the speed of sound, causing sonic booms heard three miles
away, and the army is investigating using her offspring as a new tactical
weapon. Too bad for them, I had her spayed.
--Kiwi, God of a Thousand Blithers, et al
P.S. Meet Krill's Cat
Streak: Krill tells me that Streak used to be aptly named, but now Streak is
twelve years old and has put on too much weight, so he just sits around
reminiscing about what it was like to streak. (He doesn't wear clothes, so in
one sense, he still does streak.) Streak has a face like a moose and a voice
like a sheep, which he uses more often than he should. (His favorite word is:
"Baaa!") The fur on Streak's neck is bright pink, which contrasts greatly with
his otherwise "cream"-colored coat. Streak's favorite pastime is demanding to
be let in the back door, and then demanding to be let out the front.
Numb : 2
Title: !
From : KRILL
Date : 10-25-85
Time : 03;14
There's a cat on my lap.
Numb : 3
Title: !!
From : KRILL
Date : 10-26-85
Time : 06;05
It seems to be rather content.
Numb : 4
Title: !!!
From : BLUE ADEPT
Date : 10-26-85
Time : 10;56
I've got Krill beat. Every time you
sit down in my house, two cats
mysteriously materialize on you.
Doesn't have to be your lap. Could
be your chest, your legs, they're
not fussy.
You could sit down to read the latest
issue of Omni, and suddenly you look
up, and realize that the cats have
once again landed on you, and you
never even knew when it happened.
Could be worse. It could be pizzas.
Numb : 5
Title: Nyah!!!
From : KRILL
Date : 10-26-85
Time : 21;35
Oh, yeah??? Well, my cat is so clever that it can figure out the exact
paragraph that I am trying to read, and then sit on it.
Has anybody ever figured out the factor by which cats gain weight when sitting
on a heater vent?
Krill
Numb : 6
Title: COMPRESSION OBSESSION
From : BLUE ADEPT
Date : 12-04-85
Time : 22;55
LOCAL 'HACKER' INDICTED
FOR COMPRESSING CATS
In a surprise move today, federal
agents, in cooperation with state
and local detectives, made a daring
daylight raid on the home of a local
'hacker' whose alias on Bulletin
Boards is 'The Blue Adept'. Her
entire collection of Cat Compression
software, as well as several tens
of dollars worth of computer
equipment, was confiscated (one FBI
agent was heard to say, 'This will
look great under the ol' Christmas
tree...') Several already-compressed
cats were taken into state custody
as evidence.
'She was obsessed with compression',
said one local official. 'Her
husband said that all she ever did
was sit in her room and compress
those cats. They seemed to enjoy it,
at least, they never changed their
expressions.'
Her husband commented, 'She learned
it from that '$()"#$'$ Kiwi on
Compute. What's a decent, law-
abiding husband supposed to do?'
The cats declined to comment.
Numb : 7
Title: AT LAST!
From : JEFFRO
Date : 12-05-85
Time : 12;23
AT LAST!!!!
THANX FOR UNCOVERING A LONG HIDDEN OBSESSION OF MINE! NOW I CAN COME OUT
OF THE CLOSET & CONFESS TO THE WORLD THAT I'M INTO CAT-COMPRESSION!
FOR YEARS, I'VE THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS A "SICKO"......A "PERVERT"......A
(AHEM) "COMPRESSIONIST". ITS BEEN A MISERABLE LIFE ALL THESE YEARS, BUT AT
LAST I CAN OPENLY ADMIT IT. THANX TO YOU, BLUE, WE "COMPRESSIONISTS" CAN
FACE EACH DAY WITH A TOTALLY NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE....WITHOUT FEAR.....WITHOUT
THE SHAME OF LOOKING OUT FROM A CRACK IN THE "CLOSET DOOR", AS IT WERE.
HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "CAT'S EYE" (STEVEN SPIELBERG)?? LIKE THE
MOTHER WHO WAS TRYING TO CATCH THE CAT IN A BOX BY LURING IT WITH A BOWL OF
FOOD CALLED "GOBBLER'S GOAT N' TUNA" (STRAINED, OF COURSE). THEN SHE LOOKS
AT THE CAT & SAYS "HERE KITTY, KITTY.....COME ON YOU, FURRY LITTLE BASTARD."
THAT'S A PRIME EXAMPLE OF THE CLOSET COMPRESSIONISTS COMING INTO PUBLIC
VIEW!
LONG LIVE "CC" (CLOSET COMPRESSIONISTS)!!
JEFFRO
Numb : 8
Title: Compression and Herb
From : THUFIR HAWAT
Date : 12-05-85
Time : 23;07
Hey, It's neat that I had the
oppurtunity to read about other
compressors comming out of the closet
and communicating for the betterment
of educating others about this dread
sickness. I have been a compressor for
18 years now, and quite frankly didn't
know that so many others share my
problem. Gee, it sure is great to get
this off my chest!
Numb : 9
Title: Compression algorithms
From : KRILL
Date : 12-09-85
Time : 04;37
I was trying to develop a better cat compression algorithm, but not being a
compressionist myself, I thought I might ask some advice. When compressing
cats, is it necessary to be able to restore the cat to its original state?
The main problem in developing a compression algorithm is that it is hard to
compress something, and still retain all of the information necessary to
restore it, but if restoration is not desired, you can compress something
quite a bit.
Krill
Numb : 10
Title: Impressionists
From : BLUE ADEPT
Date : 12-16-85
Time : 07;34
I have discovered that after you have
compressed a cat and then decompressed
it several times, it suddenly becomes
an 'Impressionist Cat'. No, it
doesn't suddenly put on a little
kitty smock and paint a fuzzy picture,
it BECOMES a fuzzy picture! You
come home from work and there's this
not-quite-clearly-defined cat
lounging under the Christmas tree,
looking smug.
Has anyone else had this experience?
p.s. Impressionist Cats also acquire
a suddenly enhanced ability to
appear magically on your lap without
you even realizing they were moving
in. Most unsettling.
Numb : 11
Title: Cats
From : KRILL
Date : 12-17-85
Time : 07;55
It is a well-known fact that cats are capable of manipulating their mass.
They can change their mass to zero when they want to reach a place in zero
time (there is no limit on speed or acceleration for objects with zero mass),
and they can increase their mass considerably when they want to stay someplace
where you don't want them.
Imagine, if there were only some way that we could harness this skill, we
could build cat-powered FTL spacecraft. And if, while using these craft to
colonize the rest of the universe, we find some nasty aliens, just think how
easy it would be to take care of them. Just fire a cat-torpedo at the aliens'
star (From any distance -- since it will reach there in zero time.), upon
impact the cat increases its mass to the critical point where it
self-compresses (Bet you didn't know they could do that!) into a black hole,
dragging the aliens in.
Krill
Numb : 12
Title: Cheshire compression
From : KRILL
Date : 01-09-86
Time : 12;46
Have you ever realized that there could be millions of Cheshire cats in the
room with you that are just waiting to be compressed, and you'd never know it?
Krill
Numb : 13
Title: Cheshire compression
From : KRILL
Date : 01-13-86
Time : 19;02
The problem with compressing Cheshire cats, though, is that you're never quite
sure if you've succeeded.
Krill
Numb : 14
Title: New Breakthrough
From : RED PIRATE
Date : 01-14-86
Time : 11;16
There's been a great new breakthrough in the field of Cat-Compression.
Top Prefessors in the field, have developed a device that compresses
Tigers, Leopards, Lions, etc... into portable pocket self-defense devices. If
you're mugged, robbed, etc... just pull out your Compressed Lion, etc... and
add a mouth full of spit to it. Then BINGO! You have a full grown feline of
the giant order on your hands, ready to be sicked on the villain at hand.
Everyone should own a dozen of these handy articles. All major breeds of big
cats are handled. Just stop by your local K-Mart and ask at the desk.
Suggested retail is 60,000 Suessians. (The currency of Dr. Suess land).
I thank you for your time....
Red...
Numb : 15
Title: Breakthrough Broken
From : KIWI
Date : 01-14-86
Time : 22;58
After a smash fourth quarter '85, Dr. Suess's pre-compressed cat empire has
crumbled, due to a recent ruling that the "self-defense" items are more
dangerous than Mr. T's breath. It seems that once the animals are
de-compressed, there is no way of telling them who to attack, and about fifty
percent of the time, they attack their owner, believing him to be Dr. Suess.
Zoo authorities claim to have collected most of the runaway felines, restoring
Mr. T to the title of most dangerous self-defense item on the streets.
Rumor has it, though, that Apteryx Labs are almost ready to bring into
production a new self-defense item based on modern post-Einsteinian
compression technology. More news on this as it develops.
--Kiwi
Numb : 16
Title: Compression error.
From : JOHN CLEAVER
Date : 01-15-86
Time : 01;58
Has anyone else, besides me,
accidently compressed their dog?
I have found that the cat decompressor
won't work, and I sure do miss Rover.
Numb : 17
Title: CATTIE PATTIE
From : THUFIR HAWAT
Date : 01-19-86
Time : 16;23
FIRST OF ALL, to whoever sent the
message in which he allegedly
accidentally compressed his dog:
HOW COULD YOU ACCIDENTALLY COMPRESS
YOUR DOG?! It's not exactly the
easiest process in the world! You
sound like some kind of sickie to me!
Next, about Cathaffi:
I know our president has condemned his
acts of feline barbarism as
unforgivable. I know he is a true
flake. I know he is in cohorts with
all the other foreign breeds (like
Yassir Whiskerfat) who would love to
get their paws on our litter and
dethrone the domestic shorthair. I
KNOW - but we, as american cat owners
(and compressors) must remember that
our country does not have adequate
evidence to prove what we know to be.
I would love to have the oppurtunity
to assassinate Purina Nidal, the
mastermind feline behind these
abominable acts of cat-treachery! We
must be patient, for soon someone will
slip, and we will be ready to fight to
keep our country the land of the free
and the home of the domestic
shorthair.
Oh yeah, by the way, my favorite cats
to compress are tabbys and siamese.
If you haven't compressed one of them,
you haven't compressed a cat! (look at
their expression). Besides, they are
really brave about it, and a tabby is
the easiest to decompress.
Numb : 18
Title: Computerized Compression
From : BLUE ADEPT
Date : 01-24-86
Time : 07;59
I have found it possible to hook up my
C64 to the compressor. Now when I am
at work the cats can walk over, press
a lever with their little paws, step
inside and be compressed or
decompressed as many times as they
llke!
The only thing is that my neighbors
have been reporting strange
apparitions of cats walking thru
walls and on their ceilings....
Numb : 19
Title: Billists
From : BLUE ADEPT
Date : 01-27-86
Time : 07;27
I'm overwhelmed! My cats LIKE to be
compressed, when I come home and check
the counter variable on my C64 it's
over 20 compressions/decompressions
per day! As you know, cats really get
off on hiding when you want them, or
suddenly appearing just where you
don't want them. With the compression
unit they've been able to safely
annoy the neighbors (mine are now
MUCH quieter!) Maybe the people who
condemn compression are talking about
FORCED COMPRESSIONS, which are very
annoying to cats and should not be
done.
Anyway, is there a religion board
around here? Never mind--ANY religion
belongs on a blither board!
(With the possible exception of
druidism.)
Numb : 20
Title: I'm bored.
From : KRILL
Date : 02-05-86
Time : 01;12
Anyone for a nice game of musical cats?
Numb : 21
Title: Ouch!
From : KRILL
Date : 02-07-86
Time : 00;57
Never play musical cats with a siamese.
Numb : 22
Title: A letter from Gramps
From : KRILL
Date : 03-03-86
Time : 06;10
I just received a letter from my grandfather that might be of interest to some
of you:
Dear Krill,
I was very pleased to hear your latest Zimbob anecdotes; they really
made my day. I am sorry, though, to hear about Ralph. I know that you were
deeply fond of him--I, too, was beginning to grow attached to the little
bugger. I can still vividly remember that day that he followed you home. He
looked so cute, rotating about with his cilia wagging merrily, that it wasn't
very hard for you to cajole your mother into letting you keep him. Boy! If
she had only known then how often she'd end up cleaning out his petri dish...
Yup, it sure is a shame about old Ralph.
But anyway, there really is something I must talk to you about. I noticed
that you wrote that you were very excited about some new cat-compression
machine that you've bought. I simply cannot condone what you're doing, Krill.
I own nine cats myself, as you know, and I am proud to say that I still
compress every one by hand. You kids today are always taking the easy way to
pleasure. You all have your new-fangled cat-compression machines, with their
80% efficient compression algorithms, and their automatic remote unattended
operation... You kids have forgotten all the meaning to cat-compression!
Cat-compression is a very personal experience between you and your cat, but
you kids have reduced it to a mechanical process devoid of all feeling!!!
I implore you, Krill, to be a man! Take an axe to that vile machine
immediately. Your cat will thank you for it.
--Grandkrill
Numb : 23
Title: Non-Compression
From : KIWI
Date : 03-04-86
Time : 14;15
Ten things that can't be compressed:
1. Blither
2. Cygnus X-1
3. Zimbob's badness
4. Zimbob's goodness
5. Zimbob
6. No cats
7. Dry cat food (except for "Happy Cat" brand)
8. F^2 Rs U^2 Rs-1
9. The Compact Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary
10. Euclid's Postulates
--Kiwi
Numb : 24
Title: A non-solicited testimonial
From : KRILL
Date : 03-15-86
Time : 03;38
Anglo Compression Inc
117 E. High St., Mt. Vernon Ohio
"No cat too small!"
Numb : 25
Title: Cat query
From : KRILL
Date : 04-17-86
Time : 10;12
Does anybody know if confabulatory cats have calcaneocuboid ligaments?
Krill