5. Dick and Jane

Numb : 1
Title: Meet Dick and Jane
From : KIWI
Date : 11-21-85
Time : 05;59

See Dick run.

See Jane run.

See Spot run.

See Spot run into living room.

See Spot make spot on living room carpet.

See Dick see Spot make spot on living room carpet.

See Dick remember paying hard-earned money for living room carpet.

See Dick remember paying hard-earned money for dog food.

See Dick remember paying hard-earned money for vaccinations.

See Dick remember seeing Jane see Spot run in her mind's eye, and insisting
that Dick see to it that Dick buy Spot from pet store.

See Dick make Spot see stars.

See Dick make Spot eat spot on rug.

See Dick make Spot spot on wall.

See Jane come home from remedial English class.

See Jane see spot on wall.

See Jane say, "Dick, see spot?"

See Dick say, "Yes, see Spot."

See Jane say, "Dick, what spot?"

See Dick act innocent a la Fred Flintstone.

See Jane see spot on carpet.

See Jane say, "Dick, see spot?"

See Dick say, "Yes, see spot."

See Jane peel Spot off wall.

See Jane see Spot not run.

See Jane see Spot have rigor mortis.

See Jane see Spot have twice as many bones as Spot have last time Jane see
Spot.

See Jane see thousands of maggots devour Spot's mangled, bloodstained corpse.

See Jane remember eavesdropping on Dick.

See Jane remember seeing Dick say to Barney and Betty, "See Spot?  See Spot
shit all over apartment?  See Spot ruin furniture?  See Spot make noise?  See
Spot shed?  Dick hate Spot.  Dick wish Dick see Spot in meat grinder.  Dick
wish Dick see Spot's remains force-fed to Jane for making Dick buy Spot."

See light bulb appear above Jane's head.

See Jane stomp off in huff.

See Jane see lawyer.

See next episode:  "See Dick and Jane get a divorce".

                                                                --Kiwi

Numb : 2
Title: See Dick & Jane Get Divorce
From : KIWI
Date : 12-06-85
Time : 03;10

See Judge Docile Jim sit.  See Dick sit.  See Dick's lawyer sit.  See Jane
sit.  See Jane's lawyer sit.  See bailiff stand.  See witness stand.  See
Divorce Court weekdays at four o'clock on channel ten.

Hear theme music: Doo dum dum dum dee did dum doe...

See opening statements:

See Jane's lawyer say, "Dick loser.  Dick kill Spot.  Dick pay big alimony."

See Dick's lawyer say, "Nuh uh!"

See Jane's lawyer call Betty to witness stand.

See Jane's lawyer say, "Did you not dress up as Amazon warrior wearing
rubber brassiere, split-crotch panties, six-inch chain connecting your
ankles, and three pints of olive oil, and make crude puns about Dick's name in
his presence?"

See Betty say, "Nuh uh; Betty not wear any panties at all."

See Dick's lawyer cross-examine Betty:

See Dick's lawyer smack Betty about forehead with nunchaku.

See Jane's lawyer say, "Objection!  See Dick's lawyer browbeat witness?"

See Judge Docile Jim say, "Objection overruled; bad pun."

See Jane's lawyer call Jane to witness stand.

See Jane's lawyer produce exhibit A: a dead Spot.

See Jane's lawyer say, "Dick do this?"

See Jane say, "Uh huh!"

See Dick's lawyer cross-examine Jane.

See Dick's lawyer produce exhibit B: bill from gynecologist who performed
abortion.  See Dick's lawyer produce exhibit C: scientific paper by Jane's
gynecologist about finding puppies in Jane's womb.  See Dick's lawyer say,
"How puppies get in there?"

See Jane say, "Uh, I dunno."

See Dick's lawyer say, "Spot and you more than just casual friends, eh?"

See Jane say, "Uh, I guess so."

See Dick's lawyer call Dick to witness stand.

See Dick's lawyer say, "Why Betty dress up kinky?"

See Dick say, "I make porno movies for living.  Betty dress up kinky to make
movies more entertaining, make more bucks.  We have purely professional,
platonic relationship."

See Jane's lawyer cross-examine Dick.

See Jane's lawyer say, "You loser!"

See Dick say, "Nuh uh!"

See Jane say, "Why you no make money from movies?"

See Dick say, "It jungle out there!"

See Jane's lawyer say, "Who star in all your movies?"

See Dick say, "Betty!  Weren't you listening?"

See Jane's lawyer say, "Who else?"

See Dick say, "Uh..."

See Jane's lawyer say, "You star in movies along with Betty!  You aim camera
at bed during wild orgies!  You not make movies to sell, you make movies to
play back when Betty visit remedial English class!  You loser!"

See Dick say, "Uh, I guess so."

See Jane's lawyer give closing arguments: "Dick loser.  Dick kill Spot.  Dick
adulterer, too.  Dick pay big alimony."

See Dick's lawyer give closing arguments: "Dick not all that bad.  Jane animal
lover in more than one sense of word.  Jane pervert.  Jane sicko.  Jane
puppy-killer."

See commercial.  When we return, see Judge Docile Jim render his decision.

                                                                --Kiwi