Numb : 46
Title: Solving a problem...
From : THE WIZ
Date : 10-09-85
Time : 14;40
You guys don't know ANYTHING about adding letters. This has gone far
enough, so if I could have a little help, I'll fix Kill's name (and attitude).
If someone would hit him with some sleepy-gas, or maybe a mickey-finn, I'll
be able to do something about this.
#J@ DH@ @CM
=================== ========================
---- | |
|The | | K |
| Wiz| | i |
---- | l |
| l |
---
P.S. I'm starting my passwall spell...
Numb : 47
Title: They're coming to get you
From : KIWI
Date : 10-10-85
Time : 00;27
In Germany they came first for the communists, and I didn't speak up because I
wasn't a communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists but I didn't
speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics,
but I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for Blue
Adept, and by that time everyone had read how badly she mangled this quote and
certainly was not going to lift a finger to help HER!
--Kiwi
Numb : 48
Title: armor
From : BLUE ADEPT
Date : 10-10-85
Time : 07;01
Not to be outdone or left in the
fashion wastelands, I dress in a
style most appropriate and suitable
for this board and its denizens:
Behold:
[^^^^^^]
[ ]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
---< Blue Adept >
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
As you can see (Mr. Blackwell begins
to speak in a voiceover) this roomy
yet protective armored tank is just
the thing for an autumn military look,
and doesn't it come in handy when the
Mexicans show up, wanting to waste
everyone in the area for getting them
involved in this silliness?
Note the tasteful turret with flip-
top door, the handy anti-taco gun
in front contrasting with the daring
yet oh-so-traditional rollers beneath.
And snuggled safely inside, the
fashion adventurist!
Signed,
[^^^^^^]
[ ]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
--< Blue Adept >
@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Numb : 49
Title: Pre-emptive strike.
From : KRILL
Date : 10-10-85
Time : 08;10
Heh, heh, heh... I just happened to peek out of my hole, and I saw all those
posts from various people intending to change me into a small defenseless
crustacean. So I decided to launch a pre-emptive stike. Each of my
tormentors has now received a letter bomb, exept Kiwi, who received two, since
he is the most treacherous of the lot.
K ill
[At this point, Krill sent most of the more prolific blitherers on
C.O.M.P.U.T.E. e-mail that consisted of nothing but the word "BOOM!!!!!!!!".
--Kiwi]
Numb : 50
Title: And just in case...
From : KRILL
Date : 10-10-85
Time : 08;53
If anybody should happen to survive my letter bombs, and be planning a
retaliatory strike, don't bother. I have hired, for my protection, a kiwi
with the most sensitive of bills. This kiwi has been trained by the Israelis
to smell-out all kinds of bombs, including, but not limited to, letter bombs,
anti-matter bombs, ant-K bombs, r-bombs, and all types of fission and fusion
devices. So don't even think of letter-bombing me, for, as we all know, kiwis
have one of the most highly developed senses of smell in the animal kingdom,
and you don't have the slightest chance of out-clevering it. Also, since
the location of my secret hole has apparently become public knowledge, I have
vacated it.
K ill
----kiwi (Get a load of that schnozz!)
P.S. Note that my new hideout has no identifying terrain around it. It looks
exactly like a million other places on this system. Heh, heh, heh...
Numb : 51
Title: LETTER WAR
From : BELBOZ
Date : 10-10-85
Time : 11;54
I THINK SOMETHING SHOULD BE DONE FOR
SOMEONE GETS HURT. WITH ALL THESE
LETTERS FLYING AROUND,AND GETTING
STOLEN IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS. WHAT IF
KILL STEALS KIWI'S "K" AND REPLACES IT
WITH A "P"? THEN WE WOULD HAVE TO
LISTEN TO PIWI(PRONOUNCED PEE WEE)
WHINE AND CRY ALL OVER THE BOARD.
WHAT IF ARTHUR DENT BECAME ARTHUR
FLINT? HE MIGHT START A FIRE.
THIS IS GETTING TOO DANGEROUS.
====================================
====================================
====================================
=>>>>>>>>>>>>>>BELBOZ<<<<<<<<<<<<<<=
====================================
====================================
====================================
Numb : 52
Title: Where do I get spare letters?
From : THE WIZ
Date : 10-10-85
Time : 14;00
Well, I have and entire set of letters from various and sundry places. A
spare computer or two (one of each, in cap, on the keys).
Also, a dictionary or two.
And then there is my prime letter-hunting grounds...four massive computers
on the OSU campus, including the IGL VAX-1170, IBM VM370, and the entire
library computer system. Besides, I can borrow stuff from the relay at BITNIC
(all caps though).
Ah well, I guess I'll keep my letters to myself. Turns out I could ony get
an 'R' on short notice. (From a spare WIZARDRY game)
Well, no passwall, a recall instead!
#J@ DH@ @CM
=================== ========================
| |
remains -> [] | K |
| i |
| l |
| l |
---
The
Wiz
Numb : 53
Title: Aargh!
From : KIWI
Date : 10-10-85
Time : 19;50
The new 'r' came in today, but those bungling Mexicans let Kill get away. He
must've burrowed back into the depths of the system, and there's no telling
what damage he'll wreak upon us there! And now that he's got my cousin
Osvaldo working for him, the Mexicans will always be far behind--we all know
how strong Mexicans smell.
Maybe if we lured him into a trap, we could force-feed him the new 'r' and
plunge him back into The Sea. And though Osvaldo can detect us, I know for a
fact that he's got a glass bill (i.e. he's no good in hand-to-hand combat, so
we could overpower him easily). I'll have to call a private conference with
other blitherers and we'll discuss this more...
--Kiwi
P.S. Oh alright, Julio! Where'll it be, Casa Gallardo? Chi-Chi's? Taco
Bell?
Numb : 54
Title: Blue Light Special
From : BLUE ADEPT
Date : 10-11-85
Time : 07;27
Don't bother with those sellers of
r's--they are merely scalpers out
for the extra buck.
Just head on down to K-Mart where in
the children's book department you
can get large AND small letters for
next to nothing.
[^^^^^^^^]
[ ]
[^^^ ^^^^]
--[ Blue Adept ]
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Numb : 55
Title: good God!
From : CAPTAIN SULU
Date : 10-11-85
Time : 11;57
You won't believe what just happened
to me! (what luck)
I was getting dressed for work, and I
told my wife to call C.O.M.P.U.T.E.
and read me my E-mail.
The very first letter she reads, and
Wife guts all over my computer! Now, I
am a peaceful man, but that could have
been me! And besides, now I got guts
all over the keyboard.
Who is going to clean up this mess? I
hold K_ill responsible for this mess
and expect him to clean it up before I
get home from work. Oh, but thanks for
getting me out of my marriage, the
$1,000,000 insurance money will sure
come in handy!
Mr. Scott, stand by phazer banks. Set
on a strong 'STUN' setting.
Captain Sulu
Numb : 56
Title: Eulogy
From : KIWI
Date : 10-11-85
Time : 14;41
My faithful assistant has died, due to Kill's temporary insanity. You see, an
assistant did all my typing, talking on the phone to the other users of
C.O.M.P.U.T.E. for me, and many other miscellaneous tasks including, yes, the
opening of my mail. Due to his strong constitution, he was able to survive
the first of Krill's letter bombs, but rather than call for help, he continued
opening my mail, and the second bomb did him in.
Ah yes, he was such a faithful servant--I shall miss him. He counted the
water chestnuts in my chow mein, he maintained my private satelite link to
Switzerland, and most recently he even chronicled the Mexican/Asarian War of
1985 (that's why that part of "Recapitulation Blitheration" referred to me in
the third person), never demanding credit for any of it, or even payment.
On the negative side, though, he was a hamster, he owed me 6.023 * 10^23
dollars and an old Coke, and smelled acutely of elderberries, though maybe
that's just due to my unusually sensitive olfactory organs.
--Kiwi
Numb : 57
Title: HELP!!!!
From : THE WIZ
Date : 10-11-85
Time : 16;13
Giving credit where credit is due...that letter bomb was stronger than I
thought it was. Instead of bouncing off my sheild-spell, it actually
destroyed it! Damn...those rainbow-turtle shells are hard to come by!
Well anyway, I came out unscathed.
Wait a minute....WHERE IS Arrthur Dent?!
My god....HE'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!
Help!!! Someone call the wizard!!
Let's see...reincarnation...with an extra to insure that he returns as he
was.
Hmm....afho..fhsdfy....fadh blood...
Hey, I'm short one goldfish bowl! It has to be inscribed "So long...and
thank's for all the fish."
I can do it without...but who knows HOW he'll come back!
SOMEONE GET ME THAT BOWL!!!!!
The
Wiz
P.S. I'll try anyway if I can't get it by tomorrow.
Numb : 58
Title: Truffles?
From : MICHAEL BURTON
Date : 10-11-85
Time : 23;58
All this letter stuff is nice, and all that, but what I want to know is:
If a kiwi has such a highly developed sense of smell (and such a long snout,
to boot) can it sniff out truffles? And root them out of the ground?
This is a matter of vital importance.
K ill, if you'll loan me your kiwi for truffle sniffing purposes, I'll
gladly let you have this spare "n" I'm carrying. Whatcha say, ol' buddy, ol'
pal, ol' buddy?
-- Michael Burtonn
Numb : 59
Title: Defensive measues
From : KRILL
Date : 10-12-85
Time : 02;40
Well, I've decided to stat puging all of the ''s fom this system, befoe they
ae used against me. Soy about the wife, Sulu. I'll send Osvaldo ove ight
away to clean up the mess. Not so soy about the assistant, Kiwi, he shouldn't
have let himself be used as a tool of you tomentations of me. Besides that, he
owed me an old Coke, also. I hope that you ae pepaed to incu that obligation
now.
K ill
----kiwi
llama
P.S. It's a good thing that I used the Copy command on myself. I had a
feeling that somebody might find me and do hoible things to me, but it hadn't
ocued to me in my wildest deams that somebody would be so waped that they'd
ty to tun me into a llama.
P.P.S. M. Buton, Osvaldo said that he'd pobably beak his beak tying to dig up
tuffles, but he could find them, if you wee willing to dig them up youself.
He'll be fee fo hie as soon as I'm done with him. Fees upon equest.
Numb : 60
Title: Reincarnation...
From : THE WIZ
Date : 10-12-85
Time : 07;35
Okay, I'm ready to try it. I'll borrow #6's bowl, it MIGHT work.
FLASH!!!
Arthur ____
DAMN! Well, I was close. Hey Brezlin! Get the hammer!
There, good as new!...Arthur Dent is alive and well...WILL SOMEONE TAKE HIM
HOME!
Now...if you will excuse me...I have to sleep, casting those spells made me
tired.
The
Wiz
P.S. It's really too bad that K ill cannot get through Ward's major matrix to
purge MY r's.
Numb : 61
Title: I'm waiting...
From : CAPTAIN SULU
Date : 10-12-85
Time : 12;05
What about these guts all over my
keyboard? Ugg..There is a piece of
'wife-liver' on the T key. My hands
are getting sticky from this mess.
(and it's starting to smell a little)
Numb : 62
Title: Interlude
From : KRILL
Date : 10-16-85
Time : 02;04
...three
...four
Heh, heh, heh, heh...
...one
...two
...three
...four
Heh, heh, heh, ho, ho, ho, hee, hee, hee!
...one
...two
...three
...four
Nyuk, nyuk, hee, hee, heh, hee.
...one
...two
...three
...four
Snicker snee, hee, hee, hee, look at all those fleas!
Hey Osvaldo! Aren't you done yet?! I need that contraption by tomorrow!
Heh, heh, heh... Wily K ill, Supergenious. I love the way that rolls off my
tongue. Wily K ill, Supergenious. Heh, heh, heh... You know, I think that
the fate I have planned for my miserable tormentors might just be too good for
them. They are not worthy of such attention. Ah, but they have incurred the
wrath of Wily K ill, Supergenious.
...one
...two
...three
...four
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho...
Hey Osvaldo! Are there any more of those wretched animals back there? I seem
to have run out again.
Numb : 63
Title: Chuck Jones? Michael Maltese?
From : MICHAEL BURTON
Date : 10-16-85
Time : 23;15
"Nyuk, nyuk, hee, hee, heh, hee."
" ...one"
" ...two"
" ...three"
" ...four
"Snicker snee, hee, hee, hee, look at all those fleas!
Heh, heh, heh... Wily K ill, Supergenious."
"I love the way that rolls off my tongue."
"Wily K ill..."
"...Suuuupergenious!"
"Ack! Sput! Urgggghh... ack!"
It's The Mighty Angelo, the World's Strongest Flea! He's going to pin
the "r" on K ill! Shove it down his throat, Angelo!
"Aggggggghhhhh!!!! Aggggggghhhhhh!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh!!"
Okay, Angelo! Okay! You've shoved it too far!
"Cough! Choke... Wily Ki>rl, Supergenious... Cough, cough..."
Angelo! He used the COPY command! Get the other one, too! Only this
time, more pianissimo! You nearly broke an "l"!
"Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho...
"Hey Osvaldo! Are there any more of those wretched animals back there? I
seem to have run out again.
"Ack! Sput! Urrggh! Ack..."
(Let's pull the window shade on this gruesome scene of a K ill getting an
"r" shoved down his throat. Suffice it to say that once again, The Mighty
Angelo has saved the day. If you feel a sudden itch, DO NOT SCRATCH IT,
IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE! Angelo has EARNED his reward.)
Ow!
Numb : 64
Title: Silly tormentors!
From : KRILL
Date : 10-17-85
Time : 01;53
Hee, hee, hee... Hey Osvaldo! Did you ever notice that while kiwis might have
a superb sense of smell, they don't have acute 'earing? Any avian with 'alf
an ear would have noticed that I am pulling the legs of some sort of
quadruped.
Hey Osvaldo, is that contraption ready, yet? I have to set it tonight if I
want to capture #6 by lunch. Boy, I can't wait! I'm sure that #6 will be
able to provide me with all sorts of information about my tormentors.
Wow, these 'orrid creatures sure do have alot of fleas! Jesus! Look at the
size of that one! Is that an 'r' that it's carrying?
Let's see... what was I doing? My memory seems to have lapsed. Oh yes, of
course. I was going to get a ring-side seat for the detonation of the
Mexican's anti-matter bomb. This looks like as good of a spot as any.
Krill
Numb : 65
Title: Amnesia...
From : THE WIZ
Date : 10-17-85
Time : 03;26
Is anyone going to fill Krill in on what has been going on recently?
I would, but I never saw the beginning of...only the end.
The
Wiz
P.S. Or maybe I should cast a general forget spell...
P.P.S. Naw...not knowing that it had happened it might...god forbid...
...HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!
Numb : 66
Title: The End
From : KIWI
Date : 10-17-85
Time : 19;01
Hooray! The crisis is over! Krill has had his 'r', and his sanity,
restored--and permanently, too; when Angelo was removing Arthur Dent's excess
'r', he also borrowed all his super-glue to ensure Krill's structural
integrity forever. The Mexicans have gone back to their native land, and I
have returned the other 'r' to Julio's brother's typesetting company and
received a full refund; it wouldn't have worked anyway--being from Mexico, it
was pronounced with a trill. Angelo, now that he has saved us from almost
certain overdoing it, has returned to Italy, but if he ever hears of anyone
trying to continue the letter wars, he will come back and totally ignore them.
THE LETTER WARS HAVE ENDED!
All is well again in blither-land as the second age of blither draws to a
close. We will now enter the third age of blither, where the sanctity of
stupid enormous signatures will be respected by all life forms of all nations,
planets, local supergroups, universes, dimensions, and anything else.
The End
Full orchestra crescendo on resolute E major chord, then fade away.
Roll Credits.
Kiwi...................Kiwi
Osvaldo................Kiwi
Krill..................Krill
Kr#ll..................Krill
K_ill..................Krill
Arthur Dent............Bryan Hannahs
Arrthur Dent...........Bryan Hannahs
Michael Burton.........Michael Burton
Belboz.................Belboz
Asarian................Asarian
Blue Adept.............Jaelle
The Wiz................Frank Morgan
Captain Sulu...........George Takei
Capt. Ross Poldark.....Robin Ellis
Number Six.............Number Twelve
Number Twelve..........Number Six
Number Six.............Patrick McGoohan
Number 6.023 * 10^23...Amedeo Avogadro
The Mexicans
Julio..................Hernando
Hernando...............Carlos
Carlos.................Miguel
Miguel.................Diego
Diego..................Julio
#......................HAL-9000
(C) MCMLXXXV
An Irving J. Salzburg Production
--Kiwi