4. Religion Blither Numb: 1 Title:Mass in A From: KIWI Date: 07-22-85 Time:04;50 1. Kywie 2. Sanctus 3. Gloria 4. Credo 5. Apteryx Dei Amen Numb: 2 Title:Official Titles From: KIWI Date: 08-16-85 Time:17;28 God of Blither: Kiwi King of Blither: Krill Bling of Kither: Darthur Rent Prince of Plagiarism: Arthur Dent Princess of Plagiarism: Kezia Regional Manager of Blither (for Scandinavia): Anders Wallgren Baron of Blither: THX-1138 Bishop of Blither: Ian Silver Archbishop of Blither: Michael Burton Blasphemer of Blither: Metallion Viscount of Verbiage: Jeffro Sultan of Sarcasm: Belboz A Critic of Blither: Road Master Vice President of Blither: Sundance Kid President of Blither: Applications now being accepted Chairman of the Board: " " " " Chief Financial Officer: " " " " Hither of Thither: " " " " Numb: 3 Title:ocellus From: KRILL Date: 08-19-85 Time:16;26 To whom it may concern: I, Krill I, King of Blither by the Grace of the God of Blither, Ralph, hereby publish and declare, that I am not, and of right, ought not be, ocellated. Metallion, you are not still, nor have you ever been, nor will you ever be, God of Blither. The same proof that I used on the other Beelzebub of Blither (i.e. Kiwi) applies to you. It is very easy to distinguish rotifers from other microscopic animals. Rotifers are the ones that don't sing about you. Have any of you thought about what a wonderful place Zimbabwe is? Zimbabwe is my friend. Why is Zimbabwe my friend? Because Zimbabwe is far away from me. Krill Numb: 4 Title:The Ten Commandments From: KIWI Date: 08-25-85 Time:22;43 1. I am Kiwi, the one true God of Blither. 2. Thou shalt not worship any other Gods, particularly metal ones and microscopic aquatic ones. 3. Thou shalt not confuse blither with any cheap imitation, and when thou art in doubt, thou shalt come to me for final arbitration in the matter. 4. Thou shalt say "Lokum Blokum Blikkum Blee" at least once every Thursday, unless thou really dost not want to. 5. Thou shalt not play loud rock music using a 2000 lb. ghetto blaster or other device of similar decibel-producing power whilst thou (or said device) art in the range of my hearing. 6. Thou shalt Enjoy Coca-Cola, not the new stuff or Pepsi, which thou shalt shun, but only the original formula,* and thou shalt never spill Coca-Cola, lest ye have to clean it up (no small matter, as it is quite sticky). 7. Thou shalt not commit either adultery or childery, take thy pick. 8. Thou shalt not plagiarize the blither of thy fellow man (or woman (or God)). 9. When using archaic speech, thou shalt use "thou" for the second person singular nominative, "thee" for the second person singular accusative, and above all, thou shalt not indiscriminately append the suffix "-eth" to words, but save it only for verbs in the third person singular present indicative. Also, it would be nice if thou used "-est" for verbs in the second person singular present indicative. 10. Thou shalt not leer all googly-eyed at thy neighbor's wife, unless her husband seeth you not. [A safety-first commandment. --Ed.] --Kiwi, God of Blither, as delivered to Docile Jim, Hither of Thither, on Mount Sinus. *The subject of Cherry Coke will be taken up at the next meeting of the board of supernatural blitherers. Numb : 5 Title: Complaint From : KIWI Date : 09-19-85 Time : 23;05 Who around here would like to be the Chun King of Blither? Or is that subsumed under plain ol' King of Blither? The reason I'm asking is I just ate this whole enormous can of Chun King Chicken Chow Mein, and did not find a single water chestnut! Krill, if you're the one responsible for this, I'll see you in court! --Kiwi Numb : 6 Title: Gasp! Wheeze! From : KRILL Date : 09-21-85 Time : 04;24 Whew! It's stuffy down there. I had to come back up for air. Hey Computist, what is that file I saw down there that was surrounded by barbed-wire and guard dogs? Kiwi, I had decided to not comment on your accusation concerning the water chestnuts, but after consulting my attorney, I have changed my mind. My comment: I can neither affirm nor deny any knowledge of a 'Chung King of Blither', or of the alleged withholding of water chestnuts by the aforementioned party. I, Krillvs Rex, King of Blither, do not warrant that this comment will meet your requirements, or that the reading of this comment will be uninterupted or error free. Your license to read this comment is effective until terminated. This comment is provided 'as is' without warranty of any kind, expressed or implied, including, but not limited to the implied warranty of the validity of this warranty. This warranty is provided 'as is' without warranty of any kind, including, but not...In no event will Krillvs Rex be liable to you for any damages, including injury from sixteen-ton weights, microscopic organisms, little bits of fluff that get stuck in your synapses, death in general, alien invasions, supernovae, degranulation, henotheism, Zimbabwe, superconductivity, zen koans, philanthropy, hermaphroditism, nitrocellulose, socioeconomic impacts, the developement of the urban proletariat, antimony, Mexicans, and 6.023 * 10^23. Some exceedingly vicious states do not allow the exlclusion of any of their three-million implied clauses, if you live in one of these states, I refuse to sell you this product. Krill Numb : 7 Title: Non Sequitur From : KIWI Date : 09-21-85 Time : 05;28 Krill, Never mind about the Chung King of Blither, I have no quarrel with him; are you the Chun King of Blither? (No 'g'.) If not, then I guess I will have to seek elsewhere for someone to sue. --Kiwi Numb : 8 Title: Bean sprouts From : KRILL Date : 09-22-85 Time : 04;59 Kid, my sovereignty doesn't extend beyond the realm of blither. Water chestnuts are not blither. How could anything so tasy, and having such a wonderful texture be blither? Kiwi, no comment. But, to avoid extensive civil litigation, I am willing to settle out of court. If you agree that you have absolutely no claim against me, I will give you my entire supply of oriental vegetables. ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||o|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||o||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||o||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| x______________ (sign here) Numb : 9 Title: No. From : KRILL Date : 10-21-85 Ho hum... This is probably a waste of time, since I doubt anybody except The Wiz will catch the allusion. Lift up your Cokes, O ye blokes; and be ye lift up by crisp and clean caffeine; and the drink of glory shall flow in. What is the drink of glory? The Coke strong and tasty, the Coke icy in bottles. Lift up your Cokes, O ye blokes; and be ye lift up by crisp and clean caffeine; and the drink of glory shall flow in. What is the drink of glory? Coca Cola, it is the drink of glory. Hmmm... I suppose that student of religion might catch part of the allusion, but miss out on the music, which is by far the best part. Krill Numb : 10 Title: Re-election Blither From : KIWI Date : 11-03-85 Time : 04;56 Why YOU should re-elect The Sundance Kid for Vice-President: Because he's got experience Because he'll get the job done Because he's tough on crime Because he's stable Because he's dynamic Because he's mature Because he's young Because he has values Because he has morals Because he was born on a farm Because he's Christian (who in his right mind would vote for a Jew?) Because he has a family (who in his right mind would vote for an orphan?) Because he's been endorsed ("and we all know how painful that can be") Because he's got a car Because he's got charisma Because he's got the clap Because you gave it to him Because he keeps his nose clean Because he's compressible Because he's NOT a pizza Because if you don't, he'll smash your face in Because he's there Because he's unopposed --Kiwi Numb : 11 Title: VP??? From : KRILL Date : 11-03-85 Time : 06;21 What was that all about? Why go through the bother of trying to convince people to vote for Sundance? I had no plans for any elections this year. But now that you mention it, it might be a good idea. Okay, here are my rules for how this election will be run: 1) Only The God of Blither and The Goddess of Blither may nominate canidates. There will be no write-ins. 2) The King of Blither gets 6.023 * 10^23 votes, everybody else gets as many votes as they have letters (i.e. alphabetic characters) in their handles. 3) Deadline for all ballots is 23:59, 5 November A.D. 1985 4) There is no rule number four. 5) By royal decree, rule number four was not a plagiarism. 6) Everybody not voting will be severely laughed upon by The God of Blither, Ralph. 7) Ralph does not require faith to believe in him because he does't care a tinker's damn if you believe in him. He exists, and is God of Blither, and there is nothing you can do about it. Okay, here are the nominations for Vice President of Blither: Ralph, God of Blither nominates Sundance Kid. Kiwi, Goddess of Blither nominates Sundance Kid. Numb : 12 Title: A bloke's lexicon From : KRILL Date : 12-12-85 Time : 21;42 BLOKE n. A drinker of old-formula Coke. BROKE n. A Coke that has been left in the freezer too long. CHOKE n. A Cherry Coke. COKE n. 1. An old-formula Coke. 2. (informal) A Classic Coke. JOKE n. A new-formula Coke. POKE v.tr. What violent blokes do to make others give them Coke. SMOKE n. What comes out of a bloke's ears when told that Classic Coke is the same as old-formula Coke. TOKE n. A swallow of Coke. Some famous blokes' quotations: Poki, Toki, Woki. -- Julius Caeser, 15 March A.D. 44 (Translation: I poked, took a toke, and woke. Many historians believe that that morning's poking of the entire senate was simply the last straw.) A Coke in every loke! -- Anonymous revolutionary, circa 1917 Sloke goes better with Coke. -- Ralph the Rotifer, 1981 A Coke! A Coke! My kingdom for a toke! -- King Richard III, three months after the change The Coke gave the word: Great is the company of the pizza. -- Psalm lxviii:11 Numb : 13 Title: Afterwards... From : KRILL Date : 12-13-85 Time : 03;12 I turn to the "famous" historian that I got those quotes from. Krill: "So, you say that Julius Caeser really said that?" "Famous" historian: "Yes, that's my current theory, based on extensive research." Krill: "But hadn't Caeser been dead for 87 years on 15 March A.D. 44?" "Famous" historian: "Hmmm... Uhhh... Eh, actually yes, so to speak." Krill: "How does your theory account for this fact?" "Famous" historian: "Well, you see, this is where my current theory falls to the ground. I was only hoping that you wouldn't bring that up, but I can see that you're more than a match for me." Krill: "I see... So you lied, then?" "Famous" historian: "Uhhh... In short, yes." Numb : 14 Title: Coke From : PAPERBACK WRITER Date : 03-23-86 Time : 01;44 Coke has begun to dominate the galaxy, but the old Pepsi Republic lives on! Princess Lay-Organic Pepsin rushes towards a secret rebel base on the the seventh moon of Yuma, an Imperial "New Formula" Star Carbonator closes in on her small, obsolete 12 fluid ounce Pepsi-Lite cruiser. She can feel the sinister presence of Bill Cosby nearing...that sickening feeling of the Flat side of the Force. She shudders... --Paperback Writer Numb : 15 Title: Polydipsia From : KRILL Date : 04-12-86 Time : 04;02 Arghness!!! I seem to have misplaced my Coke!