4. Religion Blither
Numb: 1
Title:Mass in A
From: KIWI
Date: 07-22-85 Time:04;50
1. Kywie
2. Sanctus
3. Gloria
4. Credo
5. Apteryx Dei
Amen
Numb: 2
Title:Official Titles
From: KIWI
Date: 08-16-85 Time:17;28
God of Blither: Kiwi
King of Blither: Krill
Bling of Kither: Darthur Rent
Prince of Plagiarism: Arthur Dent
Princess of Plagiarism: Kezia
Regional Manager of Blither (for Scandinavia): Anders Wallgren
Baron of Blither: THX-1138
Bishop of Blither: Ian Silver
Archbishop of Blither: Michael Burton
Blasphemer of Blither: Metallion
Viscount of Verbiage: Jeffro
Sultan of Sarcasm: Belboz
A Critic of Blither: Road Master
Vice President of Blither: Sundance Kid
President of Blither: Applications now being accepted
Chairman of the Board: " " " "
Chief Financial Officer: " " " "
Hither of Thither: " " " "
Numb: 3
Title:ocellus
From: KRILL
Date: 08-19-85 Time:16;26
To whom it may concern:
I, Krill I, King of Blither by the Grace of the God of Blither, Ralph, hereby
publish and declare, that I am not, and of right, ought not be, ocellated.
Metallion, you are not still, nor have you ever been, nor will you ever be,
God of Blither. The same proof that I used on the other Beelzebub of Blither
(i.e. Kiwi) applies to you.
It is very easy to distinguish rotifers from other microscopic animals.
Rotifers are the ones that don't sing about you.
Have any of you thought about what a wonderful place Zimbabwe is? Zimbabwe is
my friend. Why is Zimbabwe my friend? Because Zimbabwe is far away from me.
Krill
Numb: 4
Title:The Ten Commandments
From: KIWI
Date: 08-25-85 Time:22;43
1. I am Kiwi, the one true God of Blither.
2. Thou shalt not worship any other Gods, particularly metal ones and
microscopic aquatic ones.
3. Thou shalt not confuse blither with any cheap imitation, and when thou art
in doubt, thou shalt come to me for final arbitration in the matter.
4. Thou shalt say "Lokum Blokum Blikkum Blee" at least once every Thursday,
unless thou really dost not want to.
5. Thou shalt not play loud rock music using a 2000 lb. ghetto blaster or other
device of similar decibel-producing power whilst thou (or said device) art in
the range of my hearing.
6. Thou shalt Enjoy Coca-Cola, not the new stuff or Pepsi, which thou shalt
shun, but only the original formula,* and thou shalt never spill Coca-Cola,
lest ye have to clean it up (no small matter, as it is quite sticky).
7. Thou shalt not commit either adultery or childery, take thy pick.
8. Thou shalt not plagiarize the blither of thy fellow man (or woman (or God)).
9. When using archaic speech, thou shalt use "thou" for the second person
singular nominative, "thee" for the second person singular accusative, and
above all, thou shalt not indiscriminately append the suffix "-eth" to words,
but save it only for verbs in the third person singular present indicative.
Also, it would be nice if thou used "-est" for verbs in the second person
singular present indicative.
10. Thou shalt not leer all googly-eyed at thy neighbor's wife, unless her
husband seeth you not. [A safety-first commandment. --Ed.]
--Kiwi, God of Blither, as delivered
to Docile Jim, Hither of Thither,
on Mount Sinus.
*The subject of Cherry Coke will be taken up at the next meeting of the board
of supernatural blitherers.
Numb : 5
Title: Complaint
From : KIWI
Date : 09-19-85
Time : 23;05
Who around here would like to be the Chun King of Blither? Or is that
subsumed under plain ol' King of Blither? The reason I'm asking is I just ate
this whole enormous can of Chun King Chicken Chow Mein, and did not find a
single water chestnut! Krill, if you're the one responsible for this, I'll
see you in court!
--Kiwi
Numb : 6
Title: Gasp! Wheeze!
From : KRILL
Date : 09-21-85
Time : 04;24
Whew! It's stuffy down there. I had to come back up for air. Hey Computist,
what is that file I saw down there that was surrounded by barbed-wire and
guard dogs?
Kiwi, I had decided to not comment on your accusation concerning the water
chestnuts, but after consulting my attorney, I have changed my mind.
My comment:
I can neither affirm nor deny any knowledge of a 'Chung King of Blither', or
of the alleged withholding of water chestnuts by the aforementioned party.
I, Krillvs Rex, King of Blither, do not warrant that this comment will meet
your requirements, or that the reading of this comment will be uninterupted or
error free. Your license to read this comment is effective until terminated.
This comment is provided 'as is' without warranty of any kind, expressed or
implied, including, but not limited to the implied warranty of the validity of
this warranty. This warranty is provided 'as is' without warranty of any kind,
including, but not... In no event will Krillvs Rex be liable to
you for any damages, including injury from sixteen-ton weights, microscopic
organisms, little bits of fluff that get stuck in your synapses, death in
general, alien invasions, supernovae, degranulation, henotheism, Zimbabwe,
superconductivity, zen koans, philanthropy, hermaphroditism, nitrocellulose,
socioeconomic impacts, the developement of the urban proletariat, antimony,
Mexicans, and 6.023 * 10^23. Some exceedingly vicious states do not allow the
exlclusion of any of their three-million implied clauses, if you live in one of
these states, I refuse to sell you this product.
Krill
Numb : 7
Title: Non Sequitur
From : KIWI
Date : 09-21-85
Time : 05;28
Krill,
Never mind about the Chung King of Blither, I have no quarrel with him; are
you the Chun King of Blither? (No 'g'.) If not, then I guess I will have to
seek elsewhere for someone to sue.
--Kiwi
Numb : 8
Title: Bean sprouts
From : KRILL
Date : 09-22-85
Time : 04;59
Kid, my sovereignty doesn't extend beyond the realm of blither. Water
chestnuts are not blither. How could anything so tasy, and having such a
wonderful texture be blither?
Kiwi, no comment.
But, to avoid extensive civil litigation, I am willing to settle out of court.
If you agree that you have absolutely no claim against me, I will give you my
entire supply of oriental vegetables.
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x______________
(sign here)
Numb : 9
Title: No.
From : KRILL
Date : 10-21-85
Ho hum... This is probably a waste of time, since I doubt anybody except
The Wiz will catch the allusion.
Lift up your Cokes, O ye blokes;
and be ye lift up by crisp and clean caffeine;
and the drink of glory shall flow in.
What is the drink of glory?
The Coke strong and tasty, the Coke icy in bottles.
Lift up your Cokes, O ye blokes;
and be ye lift up by crisp and clean caffeine;
and the drink of glory shall flow in.
What is the drink of glory?
Coca Cola, it is the drink of glory.
Hmmm... I suppose that student of religion might catch part of the allusion,
but miss out on the music, which is by far the best part.
Krill
Numb : 10
Title: Re-election Blither
From : KIWI
Date : 11-03-85
Time : 04;56
Why YOU should re-elect The Sundance Kid for Vice-President:
Because he's got experience
Because he'll get the job done
Because he's tough on crime
Because he's stable
Because he's dynamic
Because he's mature
Because he's young
Because he has values
Because he has morals
Because he was born on a farm
Because he's Christian (who in his right mind would vote for a Jew?)
Because he has a family (who in his right mind would vote for an orphan?)
Because he's been endorsed ("and we all know how painful that can be")
Because he's got a car
Because he's got charisma
Because he's got the clap
Because you gave it to him
Because he keeps his nose clean
Because he's compressible
Because he's NOT a pizza
Because if you don't, he'll smash your face in
Because he's there
Because he's unopposed
--Kiwi
Numb : 11
Title: VP???
From : KRILL
Date : 11-03-85
Time : 06;21
What was that all about? Why go through the bother of trying to convince
people to vote for Sundance? I had no plans for any elections this year. But
now that you mention it, it might be a good idea.
Okay, here are my rules for how this election will be run:
1) Only The God of Blither and The Goddess of Blither may nominate canidates.
There will be no write-ins.
2) The King of Blither gets 6.023 * 10^23 votes, everybody else gets as many
votes as they have letters (i.e. alphabetic characters) in their handles.
3) Deadline for all ballots is 23:59, 5 November A.D. 1985
4) There is no rule number four.
5) By royal decree, rule number four was not a plagiarism.
6) Everybody not voting will be severely laughed upon by The God of Blither,
Ralph.
7) Ralph does not require faith to believe in him because he does't care a
tinker's damn if you believe in him. He exists, and is God of Blither,
and there is nothing you can do about it.
Okay, here are the nominations for Vice President of Blither:
Ralph, God of Blither nominates Sundance Kid.
Kiwi, Goddess of Blither nominates Sundance Kid.
Numb : 12
Title: A bloke's lexicon
From : KRILL
Date : 12-12-85
Time : 21;42
BLOKE n. A drinker of old-formula Coke.
BROKE n. A Coke that has been left in the freezer too long.
CHOKE n. A Cherry Coke.
COKE n. 1. An old-formula Coke. 2. (informal) A Classic Coke.
JOKE n. A new-formula Coke.
POKE v.tr. What violent blokes do to make others give them Coke.
SMOKE n. What comes out of a bloke's ears when told that Classic Coke is the
same as old-formula Coke.
TOKE n. A swallow of Coke.
Some famous blokes' quotations:
Poki, Toki, Woki.
-- Julius Caeser, 15 March A.D. 44
(Translation: I poked, took a toke, and woke. Many historians believe that
that morning's poking of the entire senate was simply the last straw.)
A Coke in every loke!
-- Anonymous revolutionary, circa 1917
Sloke goes better with Coke.
-- Ralph the Rotifer, 1981
A Coke! A Coke! My kingdom for a toke!
-- King Richard III, three months after the change
The Coke gave the word: Great is the company of the pizza.
-- Psalm lxviii:11
Numb : 13
Title: Afterwards...
From : KRILL
Date : 12-13-85
Time : 03;12
I turn to the "famous" historian that I got those quotes from.
Krill: "So, you say that Julius Caeser really said that?"
"Famous" historian: "Yes, that's my current theory, based on extensive
research."
Krill: "But hadn't Caeser been dead for 87 years on 15 March A.D. 44?"
"Famous" historian: "Hmmm... Uhhh... Eh, actually yes, so to speak."
Krill: "How does your theory account for this fact?"
"Famous" historian: "Well, you see, this is where my current theory falls to
the ground. I was only hoping that you wouldn't bring that up, but I can see
that you're more than a match for me."
Krill: "I see... So you lied, then?"
"Famous" historian: "Uhhh... In short, yes."
Numb : 14
Title: Coke
From : PAPERBACK WRITER
Date : 03-23-86
Time : 01;44
Coke has begun to dominate the galaxy, but the old Pepsi Republic lives on!
Princess Lay-Organic Pepsin rushes towards a secret rebel base on the the
seventh moon of Yuma, an Imperial "New Formula" Star Carbonator closes in on
her small, obsolete 12 fluid ounce Pepsi-Lite cruiser. She can feel the
sinister presence of Bill Cosby nearing...that sickening feeling of the Flat
side of the Force. She shudders...
--Paperback Writer
Numb : 15
Title: Polydipsia
From : KRILL
Date : 04-12-86
Time : 04;02
Arghness!!! I seem to have misplaced my Coke!