7. Zimbob Numb : 1 Title: Zimbob From : KIWI Date : 01-01-86 Time : 23;46 What a BAD Zimbob. --Kiwi Numb : 2 Title: Improving the Zimbob From : BELBOZ Date : 01-02-86 Time : 03;46 Kiwi:If you wish to train your Zimbob you must tell it why it is bad and how it can be good. You can't just say "BAD" and expect it to change into what you want it to be. Maybe you should study Pavlov's Zimbob for better psychological training. ============ >>>Belboz<<< ============ Numb : 3 Title: BAD Zimbob! From : KRILL Date : 01-02-86 Time : 13;29 Don't worry, Belboz, Zimbob knows full well why he is such a BAD Zimbob. A BAD, BAD, BAD, Zimbob! He's just chock full o' badness. In fact, he's the root of all badness in the universe. Why just today he's done well more than 6.023 * 10^23 bad things. The number of times today that he hasn't given a Coke to me is enough badness to last a normal person many lifetimes. Krill Numb : 4 Title: BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD From : KIWI Date : 01-02-86 Time : 16;47 What a BBBBBB A DDDDD B B A A D D B B A A D D BBBBBB AAAAAAA D D B B A A D D B B A A D D B B A A D D BBBBBB A A DDDDD Zimbob! --Kiwi Numb : 5 Title: MACERONY AND CHEESE From : EDIC Date : 01-03-86 Time : 16;14 TRY THIS RECEPIE FOR MACERONY AND CHEESE. 1) YOU BUY A BOX OF THIS STUFF 2) YOU PUT 5 CUPS OF WATER IN A PAN 3) THEN YOU STIR IN THE CHEESE SAUCE, 4 TEASPOONS OF BUTTER, AND 1/4 OF MILK. 4) YOU ADD THE NOODLES. 5) YOU STIR CONSTANTLY OVER A HOT FLAME TILL RIGHT TEXTURE. 6) FEED IT TO ZIMBOB EDIC Numb : 6 Title: BAD Zimbob From : KIWI Date : 01-04-86 Time : 18;38 No Edic, don't feed anything to Zimbob until he learns his lesson and stops being bad! BAD! B A D ! ! ! STARVE some sense into him! --Kiwi Numb : 7 Title: Kind of Bad From : BELBOZ Date : 01-05-86 Time : 02;30 Zimbob is kind of bad but he is improving. ============ >>>Belboz<<< ============ Numb : 8 Title: BADness! From : KIWI Date : 01-05-86 Time : 17;48 No! Zimbob's getting worse with every passing chronon! Stop him before it's too late! --Kiwi Numb : 9 Title: Donations needed From : KRILL Date : 01-06-86 Time : 00;58 The American Society for the Prevention of Badness needs your donations. All donations will be used towards buying enough stamps to mail Zimbob to Kiribati. Krill Numb : 10 Title: Zimbob is BAD. From : BELBOZ Date : 02-02-86 Time : 10;45 Have YOU sent Zimbob a letter telling him how BAD he is? It is the right and responsibility of every user to tell Zimbob that he is BAD. If you are eighteen years old or will be someday, send Zimbob a letter telling him he's bad. Its quick. Its easy. And its the LAW! ============ >>>Belboz<<< ============ Numb : 11 Title: A tabulation From : KRILL Date : 02-09-86 Time : 04;11 There are more than three bad things in the universe, and they're all Zimbob's fault. Numb : 12 Title: That's because... From : BELBOZ Date : 02-09-86 Time : 05;41 ...Zimbob is BAD. Real BAD. ============ >>>Belboz<<< ============ Numb : 13 Title: addendum From : KRILL Date : 02-09-86 Time : 19;42 I hear that he had a bit of help from Edic on some of them, though. Numb : 14 Title: BAD Zimbob! From : KRILL Date : 02-10-86 Time : 03;28 Zimbob is far worse than a rotiferous lima bean. Numb : 15 Title: More Comparisons to Zimbob From : BELBOZ Date : 02-10-86 Time : 06;10 Zimbob is worse than a decayed water chestnut. ============ >>>Belboz<<< ============ Numb : 16 Title: Zimbob comparison to excess From : BARRY STELLRECHT Date : 02-10-86 Time : 12;23 Zimbob is worse than a compressed Bill the cat eating a lemon. Barry S. P.S. Get all your sacrilege together at once and offend everybody! Numb : 17 Title: BUT BUT BUT From : EDIC Date : 02-10-86 Time : 17;17 BUT ZIMBOB IS GOOD. HE IS THE PUREST FORM OF GOOD;THE HIGHEST ELEVATION OF PERFECTION. TO A ZIN HE IS A MOUSE! EDIC Numb : 18 Title: Quantum Theory From : KIWI Date : 02-11-86 Time : 14;52 Badness is quantized! Also, there is a limit on how much badness can be compressed into one place, and you guessed it: Zimbob is at that limit! This also explains Zimbob's enormous mass, since the badness particle (the zimbon) has a mass just a tad greater than the electron. Note that this pioneering discovery makes accurate measurement of badness a realizable possibility in our lifetime! Currently, researchers at Stanford are attempting to measure the badness of Edic. It is thought that possibly there is a root of root of badness, which would finally explain Edic's eccentrities. (Maybe that's it! Maybe the zimbon is really an Edic particle (as yet unnamed) revolving in a Keplerian ellipse, and the worse it is, the greater the eccentricity of the ellipse. The only question is, what are at the foci of the ellipse?) --Kiwi Numb : 19 Title: Which is Worse? From : BELBOZ Date : 02-13-86 Time : 08;57 Is Edic worse than Zimbob or are they equal? What if either Edic or Zimbob encounter someone that is completely good? How BAD would the explosion be? I think I'll send Zimbob another letter telling him how BAD he is. ============ >>>Belboz<<< ============ Numb : 20 Title: Zimbob From : KRILL Date : 02-13-86 Time : 10;16 I'd even go as far as to say that Zimbob is worse than calciferous ergosterol! Numb : 21 Title: No no--you MISUNDERSTAND me! From : KIWI Date : 02-13-86 Time : 23;11 Zimbob has ALREADY reached the limit of badness! However, due to the fact that the badness compression limit is less than (but not all that much less than) the mass compression limit, though Zimbob is quite massive, his gravitational field is not so immense that he creates an event horizon. At first this may sound like a good thing, but I will leave it as an exercise to the student to figure out why it is really a bad thing. --Kiwi Numb : 22 Title: Badness event horizon From : MACRO MAN Date : 02-14-86 Time : 20;49 It would be very bad if Zimbob became a Bad Hole because then he would be SOOOOO bad, that not even any Unbadness could escape him! The world would be sucked into Zimbob eventually (Hence the phrase 'Event' horizon). This would, of course, have the effect of re-creating the cosmic egg we were all hatched from. Only this egg would have a badness yoke instead of a goodness yoke. You see the danger in this of course! Lets all try to avoid this horror and give Zimbob all the goodness we can spare. Only in this way will the world really be safe for the UnBad everywhere! Macro Man Numb : 23 Title: In the Beginning.... From : BLUE ADEPT Date : 02-15-86 Time : 00;35 I know this may seem fairly unimportant compared with the Event Horizons looming everywhere, but.... what started this 'Zimbob Badness' thing anyway? Numb : 24 Title: Let's see... From : KRILL Date : 02-15-86 Time : 03;41 I think that I first begin to suspect the magnitude of Zimbob's badness early in the Spring of '24 when we were camped in the Jilf Al Kabir Plateau, surrounded by marauding bedouins, and he declined to go on a Coke run to the Kroger's at King and High for me. Krill Numb : 25 Title: Badness Nostalgia From : KIWI Date : 02-15-86 Time : 05;54 Ah, yes, I remember it well. Except you've got one detail wrong, there, Krill ol' chap: Zimbob was supposed to go to the 7-11 on First and High. Well, anyway, we armed Zimbob with a titanium-alloy quarterstaff given to us by some time-travelers we'd met just moments before (they gave it to us out of gratitude for rescuing them from the N-dimensional Rubik's Cube that was bearing down on them in the Nth dimension, but anyway--) and he killed bedouins right and left on his trek to the 7-11. They were shooting their crude firearms at him from all directions, but he managed to block all the bullets with his extraordinarily proficient staff-wielding. Several ricocheted right back into the barrels of the guns that fired them! Without sustaining a single injury, he made it to the 7-11 and then courageously began the return journey. He wisely gave priority to the bullets headed toward the Coke rather than the ones headed for his own body, knowing that if anything happened to the Coke, the fate we'd have in store for him would be far worse than any mere bullet-wound. After having both his eyes shot out, his lungs punctured, both his legs broken, his right hand shattered beyond recognition, and having soiled his medal of uncommon valour which was bestowed on him by the then leader of the Bavarian Illuminati, Helen Keller herself--still he fought on! Even in this state, he was able to protect the Coke with the same efficacy during the remaining two-thirds of the way back to camp, sustaining injuries so hideous that I dare not recount them here lest I upset the ladies, he finally made it back, and with his dying breath, delivered the Coke intact. And can you believe this? He had bought WARM Coke instead of COLD! Now THAT'S bad! --Kiwi Numb : 26 Title: Foolishness From : ZIMBOB Date : 02-16-86 Time : 12;29 Belboz, you fool, I am a great many times BADDER than that pitiful EDIC! EDIC may be wretched, awful, lousy, terrible, incompetent, vile, compressible, base, unsavory, abominable, chartreuse, communist, worthless, deplorable, despicable, disdainful, nasty, monogamous, contemptible, onerous, bothersome, and above all, ICKY--but he's not bad, or at least not as BAD as me. --Zimbob Numb : 27 Title: I AM HERE!!!! From : MACRO MAN Date : 02-19-86 Time : 01;11 I AM HERE (as I said) AT LAST! Yes, it is I, the Immortal Bobmiz! And I am here to do battle with that ultimate bastion of badness, Zimbob. Quake in your boots Zimbob, for I come for you! I will fight you until all of the badness in you has been destroyed! For years I have chased you, into the farthest corners of the universe and beyond. I have followed you into the crowded void of Grath. I have run after you through the quaking sands of Yomolia. And finally here, in the destitute world of insignificant beings called 'Humans', I will do you in. Prepare For Your Destruction, WIMP! Azmiop glorple dangnon deraks, yorg slewop vespog BLOTZ! (For those of you unfamiliar with the finer workings of magic, I have just sent a bolt of pure Anti-tachyons at Zimbob. It has a highly sophisticated (if very slow) tracking system. When it hits, you better duck!) Take that! And this! Azmiop glorple dangnon deraks, yorg slewop rasnig BLOTZ! (And that was a bolt of blither that will knock his socks off.) (His socks are the main collectors and dispersors of his badness.) I await your surrender, slime. Bobmiz (The ultimate source of Goodness) ******************************************************************************* Thanks, Whoever posted the idea of an Anti-Zimbob Macro Man Numb : 28 Title: Incontrovertible Evidence! From : KIWI Date : 02-25-86 Time : 08;39 That's right: PROOF of Zimbob's badness, for those remaining few that have yet to be convinced. The other day, after Zimbob had broken into my house to steal my silverware, I announced to him that I was preparing to compress my least favorite cat, -eardo, and could he please come back later or better yet not at all. Evidently he didn't hear me over the din he was creating by scooping up my spoons and cramming them into his shirt pocket, so I repeated my announcement/request into the megaphone I just happened to be holding. This time, however, he'd moved on to the refrigerator and was shrieking something about how shocked he was that I kept my Coke in my refrigerator and not my oven, and so still didn't hear me. I ran up to the attic and dug out my trusty gigaphone, given to me by Krill for my 6.023 * 10^23rd birthday, and ran back downstairs, only to discover Zimbob sexually molesting a rotifer! I snuck up behind him and giggled my announcement into the gigaphone at point blank range. (It's hard to keep a straight face when watching something like that.) When Zimbob finished, he asked, "Are you going to compress her along the vertical axis or the horizontal axis?" Imagine! Not knowing that every cat has its own axis of compression! So I ripped his lungs out. --Kiwi Numb : 29 Title: Zimbob's Prized Possessions From : KIWI Date : 02-27-86 Time : 20;21 A six-pack of new-formula Coke. His "I'd rather be screwing a rotifer" bumper sticker. My silverware. A well-thumbed copy of "Hurting People for Fun and Profit" by Hugh B. Bad, which he stole from B. Dalton's in 1979. His honorary diploma from Whatsa Matta U., certifying his expertise as a kitten-strangler. His fusion-powered Coke-kiln, which can heat a Coke to 20000 degrees Kelvin in under five minutes. A jar containing the claws from the first cat he ever de-clawed. A jar containing the piece of brain that used to be lodged in his head. His patent for a Helen Keller-shaped chew-toy, programmed to say "wa-wa" when your dog urinates on it. His complete collection of every back issue of "Playrotifer". His copy of the non-aggression pact he signed with the duck-men, dated 3016 B.C. The knife he used to commit Hari-Kiri with in 1949. --Kiwi Numb : 30 Title: Zimbob's Diary From : KIWI Date : 03-01-86 Time : 06;13 Contrary to popular belief, Zimbob keeps very accurate records of his badness. Here is an excerpt from his diary, which should give you some idea of a typical day in the life of a Zimbob. ----- January 24, 1986: 07:28 am: Woke up. Vomited. Coughed up phlegm. 07:29 am: Didn't give Krill a Coke. 07:35 am: Ate breakfast: Warm new-formula Coke, poached kitten-gizzards, and Cheerios. 07:36 am: Vomited. Coughed up phlegm. 10:12 am: Vomited. Coughed up phlegm. 10:45 am: Didn't give Krill a Coke. 11:33 am: Broke into Kiwi's house, stole silverware, vomited, coughed up phlegm. Had to clean up vomit and phlegm under death-threat from Kiwi. 12:18 pm: Came home, ate lunch: Warm new-formula Coke, sliced kittens on rye. 01:40 pm: Vomited. Coughed up phlegm. 02:08 pm: Slipped on puddle of vomit. Broke leg. 02:30 pm: Didn't give Krill a Coke. 02:59 pm: Vomited. Coughed up phlegm. 03:10 pm: Went grocery shopping at humane society. Stole two loaves day-old kittens. 03:40 pm: On bus ride home, picked bus driver's pocket, raped sweet succulent Swedish rotifer, vomited, coughed up phlegm. 04:16 pm: Vomited. Coughed up phlegm. 05:24 pm: Vomited. Coughed up phlegm. Died. ----- --Kiwi Numb : 31 Title: Non-Compression From : KIWI Date : 03-04-86 Time : 14;15 Ten things that can't be compressed: 1. Blither 2. Cygnus X-1 3. Zimbob's badness 4. Zimbob's goodness 5. Zimbob 6. No cats 7. Dry cat food (except for "Happy Cat" brand) 8. F^2 Rs U^2 Rs^-1 9. The Compact Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary 10. Euclid's Postulates --Kiwi Numb : 32 Title: The answer! From : DRAGON PRINCE Date : 03-08-86 Time : 01;48 I know it's hard to believe...But I have isolated Zimbob's badness in ` laboratory experiment...As always, I have kept an accurate journal of my discovery...Here are my notes: 03/06/86 -EXPERIMENTS IN WARM NEW FORMULA COKE AND IT'S RELATION TO BADNESS- Experiment 001: Today I went to the store and bought a sixpack of New Formula Coke, the soft drink which, when heated to extreme temperatures, seems to be a prime element of Zimbob's badness. For the good of mankind, I am about to engage in a series of intense and admittedly dangerous tests, hoping to isolate and identify the prime element(s) of Zimbob's badness. Heating the soft drink in a microwave oven for 12 minutes, I have noticed that it has reached it's boiling point, and is sufficiently warmed to initiate the next test: My faithful companion and all around guinea-pig, Pee Wee, will now attempt to taste the heated liquid. Hmm...Odd. The Coke has lost all carbonation. Could this be in some way related to badness? Pee Wee has now finished his dish of hot Coke...He's licking the dish...I wonder if some how, the lack of carbonation is related to Zimbob's badness...If only we could carbonate Zimbob and see...Wait, Pee Wee is turning around...He seems a bit larger than he did before undertaking this experiment for the good of science and goodness everywhere...He looks...He...looks...BAD! Uh-Oh...He looks REAAAAAL BAD! He looks like...Zimbob! (Except a bit more furry...) He's coming this way...I can get a chance to observe this new badness that has manifested in him up close...Wait...Oh my God, where did he get those teeth?!? Um...Pee Wee? Good boy...Good dog...NO! Stay BACWEERRGGHH!!! ARRRGGHHH!!!! (Maybe using the word "good" was a poor choice.) UUURRRGGG...Ur....ruh.... Numb : 33 Title: Im coming for you Zimbob! From : MACRO MAN Date : 03-08-86 Time : 04;53 It is I. Bobmiz. I am working on a plan that will bring you to your knees! This plan is so horrifying... So deadly... So damn BAD... That you will be crushed under it! I have Spoken.... Bobmiz (The Looked-for Deliverer) Numb : 34 Title: Eureka! From : RED PIRATE Date : 03-09-86 Time : 06;39 I have just discovered something badder (god the grammer!) than ZIMBOB!!! Big! Bad! Leroy Brown. He's the baddest man in the whole damn town!!! He's badder than an ol'Zimbob! And meaner than his bad breath to! Now, all we have to do is make Zimbob and Leroy occupy the same space and all our troubles are over with. Luckly I have my Star Trek Teleporter handy. All I need now is the exact time (to the millisecond) at which Zimbob will be out buying some more Coke and I'll have him in my sights. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!! Red... (more than just a color, it's a way of life!) Numb : 35 Title: The end of Zimbob.... From : MACRO MAN Date : 03-11-86 Time : 01;50 I've finally found a way to destroy Zimbob forever! Let us watch as he falls into my trap: The Place.... Kiwi's Kitchen. The Time... Now. Kiwi is hiding in a corner, hoping to avoid Zimbobs BAD gaze. Zimbob moves to the cabnets. He opens them. He removes the silverware. As he is putting the silverware in his pocket, it begins to glow. He doesn't notice. He goes to another. Uon opening it, He sees the 103 degree can of new formula coke. He takes its. Before he can open it, His pants start to smolder, they burst into flame! Out from his pocket come 10 Bill clones! They had been compressed into silverware form for just this purpose. They are swarming over him! My GOD! I cant watch! They are devowering his BADNESS! He opens the coke to replenish his strength. As he takes a drink, a horrible scream comes from his throat! Its NOT coke! Its Ice-cold DR PEPPER! It gets spilled on his hands and arms. It eats through them like acid! He has fallen to the floor and is moaning loudly. Kiwi does his part. 'You are BAD Zimbob! For this you shall be tormented until time itself comes to an end, and Coke has vanished into the mists of time.' Kiwi drags the almost dead Zimbob to the closet. As Zimbob begins to strugle, Kiwi turns on the VCR. 'NOOO!!!!! Not Monty Python movies!' screams Zimbob. 'Yes,' replies Kiwi, 'And after that, DR WHO!' By now, Zimbob is wimpering and begging for mercy. I approch. 'Zimbob,' I say, 'Do you know why you have been punished like this? The Reason is.... sometimes, its BAD to be BAD!' We are safe from Zimbob now. You may all live your lives in peace. For Zimbob said to me..... Ill let him tell you! Bobmiz (Returning Home, Never to be heard of again!) Numb : 36 Title: BAD Zimbob! From : KRILL Date : 03-11-86 Time : 10;20 That reminds me of another BAD thing about Zimbob: HE LIKES ICE-COLD DR. PEPPER!!! Bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD Zimbob!!! [Actually in real life, Zimbob DOES like Dr. Pepper! --Kiwi] Numb : 37 Title: A New Leaf From : ZIMBOB Date : 03-16-86 Time : 14;46 Gosh! It's BAD to be bad? I guess that would make sense, wouldn't it? Boy, I always thought it was GOOD to be bad! Well, in that case, I resolve to stop molesting rotifers, to stop stealing Kiwi's silverware, to start drinking Coke at its proper temperature, to stop using the word "foibles", to bring back TC, to stop sneaking kittens into other people's blenders, to give Krill a Coke, to stop helping old ladies half-way across the street, to stop smoking Cuban cigars, to stop talking loudly in restaurants, to stop contracting dysentery, to stop popping paper bags in fireworks factories, to stop writing dictionaries for Edic, to start being very far away from Krill, to burn my collection of Playrotifer, to stop making jokes about leukemia, to stop invading Belgium, to stop dropping pennies off the Empire State Building, to stop dropping sixteen-ton weights off second-story balconies, to start writing my own messages, to stop using Un-Brand prophylactics, to stop taking all of the newspapers out of the box instead of just one, to finally tell my slaves about the emancipation proclamation, to stop driving at five miles per hour on busy streets, to stop reproducing asexually, to stop polluting the gene pool in general, to return the Holy Grail, to stop publishing crossword puzzles with no solution, to start eating my food only once per meal, to stop laughing hysterically at funerals, to stop being chartreuse, to stop being monogamous, etc., etc., etc., and to stop dying at the end of every message--in short, to stop being bad! --Zimbob Numb : 38 Title: Zimbob? From : KRILL Date : 03-18-86 Time : 03;09 So where's that Coke??? You should send it by Purolator Courier, since they're the only ones that know how to handle Coke. A bottle of Coke should always be kept in an upright position to ensure proper flavor distribution. Krill Numb : 39 Title: Good Zimbob! From : KRILL Date : 03-21-86 Time : 20;30 Well, I just got my Coke from Zimbob. Good Zimbob! What a good, good, good, good, GOOD Zimbob! Mmmmmm... What a GOOD Coke! It sure looks like Zimbob is living up to his promise to be good. He could've gotten the Coke to me a bit faster, though. That's what he gets for using USPS instead of Purolator Courier. This Coke must've spent several days in the mail. Let's see, where's the postmark.... What?! Zimbob, this was mailed from Cleveland! THAT'S NOT FAR ENOUGH AWAY!!! Numb : 40 Title: Cleveland Connection From : CAPT. ROSS POLDARK Date : 03-22-86 Time : 02;09 Finally -- the Cleveland connection has been exposed! The contraband Coke is first stashed in contra band instruments and sent to Washington for propaganda material. The Coke is then thrown in the Potomac and drifts out to sea. A Russian spy luxury cruise liner picks up the Coke & takes it down through the St. Lawrence Seaway. After reaching the banks of the swollen Lake Eire (soon to be the Eire Plain in 200 years) the Coke is dumped off the ship. Trained seagulls ingest the Coke and fly to Zimbob's lair. He purifies the Coke from the seagulls' system with an unnecessarily expensive and complex electrodialysis unit. After wrapping the non-Newtonian liquid with flame-retardant packing, Zimbob mails the package to Krill. Numb : 41 Title: Amazing Post! From : MICHAEL BURTON Date : 03-30-86 Time : 20;08 Hallelujah, brethren and sisteren! We have WITNESSED a MIRacle! (A-MEN!) A BLES-sed event! (Yes, sir!) For Zimbob was on the EDGE of a pre-ci-pice! (I KNOW it!) His TOES ... were over the rim! (Tell it! Tell it!) And below him ... gaped the yawning jaws of HECK itself! (AAAooooww!!) And then... (YES, sir!) ... and THEN... (TELL us about it!) ... and T-H-E-N... (Glo-ry! GLO-ry!) ... at the last POSSIBLE instant ... his face burned -- S-U-N-burned, I say, by the RAGING fires of DARNation... (Tell it!) ... then came the MIRACLE post from Macro Man... (Praise Him! Yes, tell it!) ... which PLUCKED Zimbob BACK from that foul chasm of corruption, that singularity of sina, that dank miasmic den of decadence ... (Where? Where?) ... and drew him back to salvation, back into the company of his loving friends. (Ummm...) Let us open our hymnals now, to number 911. Amazing Post, deep and profound, That changed ol' Zimbob: Wheee!! He once was bad, but now he's good; Was cruel, but now he's ... sweet. No more to pull the tiny legs From kittens by the ton; No more to carve a mustache on Mount Rushmore's Jefferson. With coins of Lady Liberty He won't replace a fuse; Nor tell Imelda Marcos that She's running out of shoes. The thought of popping paper bags At ev'ry SAC airbase Is now as far from Zimbob's mind As Buford Pusser's face. No more to kick the Leaning Tower Of Pisa, Italy; Nor take bolts from the Eiffel Tower Of France's great Pa-ree. And Adolf Hitler now can't hide In Zimbob's spare bedroom. And Zimbob never more will steal Charles Chaplin from his tomb. Amazing Post, deep and profound, That changed ol' Zimbob: Wheee! He once was bad, but now he's good; Was mean, but now he's ... neat!