This file formated for 80-cols.
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                \                                             /
                /     Part One of the Journalist Series.      \
                \                    OR                       /
                / The Mad Rambelings of a Deranged Journalist.\
                \                                             /
                /         Written By: The Blue Bandit         \
                \                of  C.P.U.                   /
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Prolog:

    The short statements you are about to read are my view of the modern day high school and surounding incidents, which are shared by me and a large amount of demented others. If you don't understand this, then that's you're problem.
    Enjoy while you still remember what school is like (who wants to remember).
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'The Prison'

    The prisoners walked through the main doors, still dead-tired from lack of sleep.(what else?!?)
    Some arrived by private cars, or walked. The more violent ones arrived by busses. The punishment for being young here was monotony, and the prisoners were issued several books, written by fanatics. Also if one of the prisoners fails to show he is rewarded with 3 to 10 days off, at no extra cost.
    But, ah..., things were not all bad at the prison. The prisoners had bathrooms with no doors, and piped in cigarette smoke. Also, around lunch time, the gates and doors were bolted and locked, and the prisoners were allowed only to visit the torture chamber or sometimes reffered to as the lunchroom, and it's anex, also called the gym.
    And then on the weekend a stray ICBM hit the prison destroying it.
                          NOW YOU CAN WAKE UP!

Future Failures

    The year: 2000, the place: any american High school study hall.
    Many students sleeping, most watching television on their watches, a couple with Sony Brainwave Walkman radios, and the poor misfortunate ones with compact laser disk players.
    A few of the students will be taking notes, doing homework, or more likely playing games on their portable computers. With all this technology, failing will be fun. The founding fathers of failing subjects had these devices when other students were looking at blank walls and doing their homework. No, these future failures will never know how great it was. They will not know how it was to forget your homework for something trivial like your bike got a flat tire, and you had to walk four miles in the rain, and your paper got wet and tore. Or, you just didn't 'feel like' doing it.

The Cruel Chair

    Arriving too late to the class, the student discovered the only chair unoccupied was the cruel chair. Trying to stall for time he stops to sharpen a dozen pencils. After being told to sit down, he slowly moves towards the chair. The chair was an old wooden chair used in school during the mid thirties. All three of it's legs of unequal lengths, the fouth lost somewhere in the Atlantic.
    Where the back of the chair used to be, before the fire of 71', were now just four rusty protuding bolts. The lead-based paint almost completely chipped away. Upon reaching the chair he built up his courage and finally asked to use the hallpass. "NO!", replied the teacher,"Sit your ass down!", which he proceeded to do, got tetnus and died.

Unnecessary Lockers

    Lockers are a major problem these days. People are late to class because they had to go to their locker, or the forget their books in their lockers. Lockers are unnecessary. If students didn't have lockers, and they had to carry all their stuff in a gymbag or backpack, they would never forget anything. Not to mention the students strength would increase from draggin around tons of books and homework. There is always room for more stuff in a gym bag. In mine I carry an English book, a history book, two electronics books, three notebooks, a pack of paper, two of the recent issues of Road and Track magazine, a walkman cassette player, and a half dozen cassette tapes, some caugh drops, a package of candy, some pens and pencils, and still have plenty of room to spare!

The Word Processor That Sucked

    There was a word processor, what when you made a mistake, you had two options; cross it out or start again. It was only a little less valuable than a pencil, and it cost only a little bit more.
    Although it sucked, teachers insisted on having students use it for important papers. It was know as a ball point pen, and was probably invented in Cleveland. David had a few dozen of them in his room. It wrote mostly in blobs and unnatural shapes. It smeared and got on your hands, and it exploded and got on your clothes.
    They were finally outdated, and in the year 2010, when they were replaced by portable, computer style type-writers which could run circles around the ball point pen and the pencil, and made everyone seem more professional, thou they really were.

My Idea of Hell is....

    My idea of Hell is a school which lasts forever. Each period lasts a week and at the end of each period there is always another one to go to. In this school, it would be very hot. The curriculum of the school would be very strange with classes such as sword swallowing 101, and the complete history of Cleveland, Ohio.
    Instead of a lunch period you would have to report to the boiler room, where the janitor would show you documentaries on the process of makeing adhesive tape.
    It lasts forever, and the students are watched constantly to prevent them from escaping. If they try, they are sentenced to Basketweaving 302, The complete history of baskets weaved in Cleveland by gypsies, while the room is filled to the choking level with stale cigarette smoke.

Mommie Dearest...

    I think the mother in the story got a bum-rap. I mean, she wasn't such a bad person. She was rich, she gave her kids huge steaks to eat, (so what if they were raw!), and what's so bad about getting hurt with wire hangers, she could of taken away her kids Mercedes, and things like that.
    If your going to have a parent that is rich and famous that's the price you'll have to pay. And, oh yeah, if her mom hadn't been mean to her she never could have made the book and movie, and made all that cash. She probably made it up anyways.
    This type of story seems like one you would read in the Enquirer, not a large scale motion picture, an novel.

The King of the Carpet Burns....

    The other day I was in McDonalds eating some fries when a strange looking man walked in the door.
    I had heard that he would be coming arouund town about this time of the year. It was The Self-Proclaimed King of the Carpet Burns. He grabbed some salt and a couple of straws and sat down, and proceeded to tell me his story.
    It seems his goal in life was to carpet everything in the world! Did you ever wonder why you would walk through a building and all of the sudden their would be carpet?
    He said he thought schools would be much better with carpet, but the kids would go around shocking each other, so they wouldn't let him install it. I asked him about the carpet burns, and he said putting carpet in was like putting in horizontal wallpaper. He said he just slid around the floor like a human carpet scrubber. He also said he would succeed in his goal, and I think he will too, I mean look at modern football fields. That Astro-turf is preaty close to carpet. Some people even put carpet on their porch.

'Stack'

    You could smell a distant cigarette factory untill you realized he was in your class. He being the one known only as Stack. Although no one had ever seen his house, everyone knew what it would look like. Burlap curtains which swelled when it rained. Billowing clounds of cigarette smoke rolling out from under his door.
    When questioned by visitors, "What's the number for the fire department?" His parents would reply, "That's only our son. Don't open that door!" His coat weighed with nicotine could be recycled into a couple of cartons of cigarettes. The legend was that he could exhale smoke from his lungs anytime he chose to. Yes, Stack will most likely grow up to teach gym.

The Funeral of Finster

    Two teenagers sat in front of a video display terminal, Led Zepplin cranked up on the stereo, dissapointed about the death of the Finster II-. Moments before, they were laughing hystericaly about the thought of killing The Finster, but now that he was dead, they wanted him to be alive so they could kill him again. If it wasn't for the grafitti like message saying, "Noboby can kill the Finster!", they wouldn't of tried and they might have got some homework done.

Don't you hate people who forget...

    Don't you hate people who tell you they will do something or bring something to school and then forget it? It is very disapointing to look forward to something, and then have someone say, "Oh, I forgot it." Sometimes you can't tell whether these people actually forgot, or they are trying to avoid it or you altogether.
    Usually you wish these people would just tell you no, so you could forget about it and try someone else.
    Most people have a tendency to forget small things like giving you your pen back after class, and things such as that. But these things are important to some people, and they judge you accordingly. Next time you need a pen they might not let you borrow one!

The Revenge of Paper

    Too much paper is used these days. People take paper for granted, unknowing of it's destructive powers. Yes, you will find if you abuse paper enough, it will attack. You will recieve nasty paper cuts, which go unoticed untill you are eating something salty, and get it on your hands.
    Not many things have enough stealth to cut you without you noticing them. Even carpet can't burn you without you knowing it, but that's a different story.
    If paper was made of steel but remained the same thickness, it would be one of the sharpest knives you have ever seen. They would be razor sharp and able to cut anything. Imagine if you had a three subject notebook full of them.

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Epilog:

    Well, that's all for now, hope you enjoyed this, spelling errors and all.
    I hope to release more of these in the future if there is a need for them, or even if there isn't.

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\  All characters and oppinions in this file are strictly those of a deranged /
/ mind! Improper use of this file may result in hemorages of the brain, and   \
\ possibly suicidal nightmares.                                               /
/  I hereby take no responsiblity for the increased suicide rate of today.    \
\                                                                             /
/ This file Copyright (1986) The Blue Bandit                                  \
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!--! A Columbus Pirate's Union/Black Hand release.                         !--!
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