CHAPTER ONE : LIFE "TAKE TWO OF ANYTHING, CALL ANYBODY YOU WANT."
-THE VANMASTER
TO SOME PEOPLE, LIFE IS WONDERFUL. THESE PEOPLE USUALLY HAVE
2.3 GIRLFRIENDS, A PORSCHE COMING AT GRADUATION, THEY ARE THE CAPTAIN
OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM, TOTALLY BUFFED, AND HAVE BLOND HAIR, BLUE EYES WITH
NO ACHE. THIS SOFT OF PERSON EXISTS ONLY ON THE BRADY BUNCH HOWEVER,
WHICH IS A TERRIBLE PITY. YOU ARN'T WONDERFUL, AND YOU'RE PROBALLY LOOKED
DOWN AT BY THESE PEOPLE ANYWAYS. IF YOU ARE WONDERFUL, GOOD-LOOKING, ETC.
THEN WHY ARE YOU USING A MODEM IN THE FIRST PLACE? ISN'T MOST OF THE STUFF
YOU DO IN YOUR LIFE USELESS? YOU TAKE TIME TO EARN MONEY, SPEND IT, AND
EARN IT AGAIN. USELESS. IN ONE MILLION YEARS, NOBODY WILL REMEMBER
YOU, ON THIS PITIFUL LITTLE PLANET. ALL EFFORTS THAT YOU PUT IN TO MAKING
YOURSELF USEFUL ARE COMPLETELY SHOT TO HELL. MAYBE NOT, AFTER ALL,
DOES HELL EVEN EXIST? (THIS WILL BE DISCUSSED IN LATER CHAPTERS...)
YOU SPEND TIME BUILDING UP YOUR LIFE, ONLY TO HAVE IT TORN APART BY
FORCES BEYOND YOUR CONTROL. WHY LIVE? YOU LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THERE
ARE 27 DIFFERENT BRANDS OF PEANUT BUTTER, WHERE MAN DISTROYS NATURE FOR
THE BUILDING OF A SHOPPING MALL, AND PEOPLE STILL THINK DIGITAL WATCHES
ARE NEAT. EVERYTHING AROUND YOU IS USELESS, FUTILE, AND DISCUSTINGLY
PATHETIC. WHILE YOU WORRY IF YOUR HAIR IS "TWEAKED" OR NOT, PEOPLE ARE
STARVING TO DEATH IN AFRICA. YET, IN ANOTHER OPINION, WHO GIVES A
FLYING HUCK IF THEY DIE? PERHAPS IT IS FOR THE BETTER, OR PERHAPS ONE
OF THESE PEOPLE WILL GROW UP AND FIND A CURE FOR CANCER. BUT IF DOSEN'T
MATTER IF THEY DO OR NOT, BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE DEAD IN 10,000
YEARS ANYWAY.
CHAPTER TWO : RELIGION "WHY USE A MODEM...I HAVE A PINATA!"
-THE VANMASTER
PERHAPS, THERE IS NO GOD. PERHAPS THERE IS A GOD. PERHAPS IT
IS THE VANMASTER, BUT THIS IS VERY UNLIKELY. MAYBE ERIC C. THOMPSON
IS GOD. OR MAYBE ONE OF THOSE AFRICAN CHILDREN ARE...BUT I DOUBT THAT
TOO. NOW, PEOPLE SAY THAT EVOLUTION CANNOT WORK, BECAUSE SOMETHING CANNOT
COME OUT OF NOTHING. THE SAME CAN APPLY TO WHERE GOD CAME FROM. NOW,
LET'S TAKE ANOTHER PIECE OF EVIDENCE. THE HUMAN BODY IS SO PERFECTLY
MAPPED OUT, AND PLANNED, THAT SOMEBODY MUST HAVE PUT IT TOGETHER, PIECED
IT TOGETHER. BUT WHO? GOD COULDN'T HAVE, BECAUSE NOBODY KNOWS WHERE
HE/SHE/IT CAME FROM! RELIGIOUS FANATICS SAY THAT PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHEN
THEY ARE DEAD. O-BOY, I JUST CAN'T WAIT. THIS IS PROBALLY JUST A COP-OUT,
BUT WHO AM I TO QUESTION THEM? WHO AM I TO SAY THAT THEY ARE WRONG?
YET, WHO ARE THEY TO SAY THAT MY IDEALS AND WRONG, AND I AM LIVING IN SIN?
ALL THESE PEOPLE COME TO MY DOOR, AND TELL ME THAT I AM LIVING WRONG, WHILE
THEY ASK FOR DONATIONS AND HAND ME PAMPLETS? I SAY, THAT AS LONG AS THEY
DON'T BOTHER ME, I WON'T BOTHER THEM, AND WE CAN BOTH LIVE IN HAPPINESS.
WHY CAN'T WE? TO END IT ON AN INTRESTING NOTE, "LORD KNOWS."
CHAPTER THREE : SEX "THE REASON THAT THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST
MASTURBATION IS BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULD PROBALLY
TAKE THE LAW INTO THEIR OWN HANDS."
-THE VANMASTER
SEX. NICE WORD, ISN'T IT? YOU CAN USE IT TO GET PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.
IMAGINE, WALK INTO A CHURCH AND YELL "SEX!" AND, BY GOLLY, LOOK AT ALL THE
ATTENTION YOU'LL GET. THE WORD CAUSES MORMONS TO CRINGE UPON SIGHT.
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T SEE THE WORD "SEX" HANGING OVER YOUR MANTLEPLACE.
YOU CAN HAVE SEX ON YOUR MANTLEPLACE, IF IT'S BIG ENOUGH, OR IF YOU
ARE THE DATA GENERAL., THE WORD CAN ALSO GET YOU A SLAP IN THE FACE, OR A VERY
(AHEM!) INTRESTING EVENING. ACCORDING TO THE VANMASTER SEX IS HIGHLY OVERRATED.
EXOTIC FONDLING IS MUCH MORE ENTERTAINING AND IS MORE ACCEPTABLE TO THE MASSES
. SEX REQUIRES THE LOSS OF CLOTHING, VIRGINITY,
(NOT IN THE CASE OF MADONNA), BREATH, AND SOMETIMES RESPECT. IT IS A
VERY POWERFUL THING. MOST PEOPLE HAVE IT IN THEIR POWER. MOST DON'T,
LIKE MATT ACKERET, AND THE CHAMPION ETERNAL, BUT I WOULDN'T KNOW.
(CHECK NEWSWEEK, MAR 14, '62 P.104-05 COVER CONTAINS JENNIFER KIRBY FOR
MORE INFORMATION...) IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF HAVING SEX, THEN LIFE
IS HARD, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE INTO MASTURBATION AND MOVIES. SEX ALSO
BRINGS CHILDREN, WHICH IS A BAD SIDE-EFFECT. IT IS A COMMON RUMOR THAT
SEX HAS A DIRECT LINK TO REPRODUCTON, BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE. (AGAIN,
CHECK THAT ISSUE OF NEWSWEEK, THE ONE WITH JENNIFER KIRBY ON THE COVER..)
SEX IS A NEW THING TO MOST MODERN-DAY TEENAGERS, WHICH IS WHY THERE IS
NO SUCH THING AS A "SWEET SIXTEEN" ANYMORE. IN FACT, THERE DOSEN'T SEEM
TO BE A "SWEET THIRTEEN"...(ONCE AGAIN CHECK THAT ISSUE OF NEWSWEEK WITH
THE ARTICLE ON KIRBY...) KINKY SEX IS NOT ADVISED, AS IT LEAVES SCARS
AND OTHER NOTICABLE MARKS ON UNIQUE PARTS OF THE BODY. WE WON'T GO INTO
SUCH THINGS AS WHIPS, CHAINS, VIBRATORS WITH KICKSTARTERS, OR CANALOPE.
PERSONALLY, I DON'T LIKE CANALOPE. I LIKE GRAPEFRUIT. (AGAIN,
CHECK THAT DAMN ARTICIAL.) TELEPHONE SEX. WHAT A CONCEPT. I, FOR
ONE, AM AGAINST TELEPHONE SEX, BECAUSE IT DISTROYS THE MIND, YOUR FANTASIES,
AND IT'S TIRING TOO! HOMOSEXUALITY MAKES ME SICK, ESPECUALLY IN MALES.
FEMALES DON'T BOTHER ME, AS I LIKE THEM ANYWAY. IF GOD HAD WANTED
HOMOSEXUALITY, THERE WOULD HAVE ADAM, BOB, AND EVE. EVE, HOWEVER, WOULD
HAVE GOT THE SHORT END OF THE STICK. THINK ABOUT IT, OR BETTER NOT,
DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE MAYBE GOD DOSEN'T EXIST, OR MAYBE THERE WAS
ADAM AND BOB. AND BOB JUST DIDN'T GET FULL CREDIT, BESIDES HE WASN'T
INTO THE VISIBILITY KICK. MAYBE HE GOT A SEX CHANGE BACK IN EDEN, BUT
ADAM MUST HAVE DONE IT. MAYBE ADAM IS ALIVE TODAY, LIVING IN THE BODY
OF THE QUAZAR, BUT THIS ISN'T TOO POSSIBLE, SINCE BOB IS LIVING IN THE
BODY OF THE CHAMPION ETERNAL. PERHAPS THIS IS ALL GARBAGE, AND SHOULD
BE PRINTED OUT ON TRACTOR FEED PAPER, AND WADDED UP AND THROWN INTO THE
GARBAGE DISPOSAL. THEN AGAIN, PRINT THIS ON THE BACK ON YOUR HAND, AND
WAD IT UP AND IT IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL AND SEE THE EXPRESSION YOUR
FACE, AS WELL AS THE EXPRESSION ON YOUR MOTHERS.
CHAPTER FOUR : LOVE "NOT ONLY DO BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN,
THEY HAVE MORE V.D..."
-THE VANMASTER
LOVE IS A FEELING. CAN LOVE REALLY LAST, OR ARE WE ALL
JUST FOOLING OURSELVES? ISN'T IS FUNNY HOW PEOPLE GO THROUGH THEIR
LIFE LOVING SO MANY PEOPLE. IS THERE A REAL LOVE? OR IS ALL JUST
A LIE, AN ILLUSION OF THE MIND? IS LOVE AN EMOTION, LIKE HAPPINESS,
JOY, SADNESS? IT SEEMS TO BE A COMBINATION OF ALL OF THESE. IS LOVE
ETERNAL? HOW MANY BOY/GIRLFRIENDS HAVE YOU HAD? DID YOU LOVE THEM?
ASK YOUSELF, WHAT IS LOVE? DOES ANYBODY REALLY LOVE ANYBODY? IS
IT A STRONG WORD, OR IS IT JUST A WORD, LIKE ANY OTHER? WHAT MAKES
LOVE ANY DIFFERENT THAN HAPPINESS? OR SADNESS? IT IS DIRECTLY
RELATED TO ONE PERSON, OR MANY PEOPLE. DO YOU LOVE THE WORLD? WOULD
YOU DIE FOR IT? I THINK NOT. YET WOULD YOU DIE FOR YOUR BOY/GIRL
FRIEND? I WOULD...ON THE OTHER HARD, IF I DID DIE FOR THEM, I WOULDN'T
HAVE THEM. INTRESTING. BUT IT IS A NICE THING TO SAY TO SOMEBODY, ISN'T
IT? LOVE, PERHAPS IS A BOND, HOLDING TWO PEOPLE TOGETHER. BONDS
CAN BREAK, TRAGICALLY, UTTERLY, AND PERHAPS QUICKLY. (FOR EXAMPLE,
ASK PEOPLE AROUND YOU.) HOW FAST DOES IT TAKE TO FALL OUT OF LOVE?
TWO, THREE DAYS PERHAPS? SIX WEEKS? SIX YEARS? MAYBE. IT ALL
DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF PERSONALLITY YOU HAVE. THINK ABOUT THIS
ONE, LET IT SIT.
CHAPTER FIVE : PERSONALLITY "THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW IS THE THIRD
DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."
-THE VANMASTER
I AM A MIXTURE OF PERSONALLITIES. I AM PART OF THE VANMASTER,
HAVOC THE CHAOS, THE $HEIK, AND OTHER FRIENDS OF MINE. DOES THIS MEAN
THAT I HAVE NO PERSONALLITY, BUT INSTEAD, AM A MIXTURE OF OTHER PEOPLE?
NO, IT IS THAT I AM MY OWN PERSON THAT TICKS UP PEOPLE'S QUIRKS AND
MANNERISMS.
INTRODUCTION (BY ERIC C. THOMPSON) "DID YOU KNOW A CAT WILL BLINK
------------- WHEN STRUCK WITH A HAMMER?"
-THE VANMASTER
CHAPTER ONE: MOW. THE COMING. "IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM,
------------ HAVE THEM KILLED."
-THE VANMASTER
HELLO, THIS IS THE DAREDEVIL. I'M GOING TO PROVE HOW
STUPID PEOPLE ARE, OR CAN BE. FOR INSTANCE, MOST OF YOU MIGHT HAVE
HEARD OF, OR BE LUCKY TO KNOW RON S. VANZUYLEN. RON AND I HAPPEN TO GO
TO THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL(NAME WITHHELD.) NOW, IN OUR FRESHMAN YEAR, SO LONG
AGO, WE HAD HEISTED AN IRON BAR FROM OUR ELECTRONICS LAB. THIS BAR WAS
PROMPTLY CARRIED AROUND BY RON, AND HE WOULD USUALLY ATTACK PEOPLE WITH IT.
WE NAMED THIS PIECE OF PIPE:"MOW". THAT'S NOT MOW, AS IN MOW THE LAWN, IT'S
MOOW. MOW. GET THAT RIGHT.
WE THEN STARTED SOMEWHAT OF A CULT. WE TOLD PEOPLE THAT MOW
WAS OUR SAVIOR, AND WE EVEN HAD SOMEWHAT OF A FOLLOWING. THE DAILY BULLETIN
ACCUALLY ONCE READ THAT THERE WAS A 'MOW DAY'. OUR CULT CHANT WAS:
"MOW IS NOW...OR YOU GO 'OW!'." RON THOUGHT THAT ONE UP, I DIDN'T.
THIS PROVES THAT IF YOU'RE LOUD ENOUGH ABOUT SOMETHING, PEOPLE JUST MIGHT
LISTEN. RON IS PRETTY LOUD. NOT ONLY IN HIS CLOTHING STYLE, BUT IN HIS
MANNERISMS AS WELL. HE'S KINDA HARD TO MISS. MAYBE THIS DOESN'T PROVE
A DARN THING, BE WE SAY IT DOES. NOW, DO YOU WANT TO ARGUE WITH SOMEBODY
WITH AN IRON PIPE, WHO CALLS IT BY NAME? NOTE THAT TO THIS DAY, RON
HAS THE SAME PIPE IN HIS CLOSET AT HOME. IF HE EVER HEARS ABOUT THIS
FILE, I'LL PROBALLY END UP WITH A SLIGHTLY LARGER PHONE BILL, BUT I FELT
THAT THIS STORY NEEDED TO BE TOLD. SIGH.
CHAPTER TWO: BOB THE HOMOSEXUAL IN EDEN. "I NEVER BITE MY
------------ NAILS. I PULL THEM OUT WITH
PLIERS." -THE VANMASTER
NOW, MOST OF YOU PROBALLY HAVE HEARD RON S. VANZUYLEN
MENTION THIS PERSON NAMED "BOB" ONCE IN A SHORT WHILE. IF YOU HAVEN'T,
CONSIDER YOURSELF A VIRGIN. ON SECOND THOUGHT, TAKE CARE OF THAT LITTLE
FACT, AND GO OUT AND GET LAID. (SMACK! RUBY JUST HIT ME.) YOU SEE,
SHE'S STILL NOT SURE ABOUT DEVOTING A ENTIRE CHAPTER OF THIS WONDERFUL
LITTLE TEXT-FILE TO A HOMOSEXUAL FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN. NOW, HOW
THE HECK DID A HOMOSEXUAL GET INTO THE GARDEN. SOURCES AROUND THAT TIME
SAY THAT HE CLIMBED THE FENCE. PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE WERE VERY FEW
NEW USERS IN THIS GARDEN. BOB WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEDUCED ADAM, AND
EVE GOT THE SHORT END OF THE STICK. RUBY PONDERS THE FACT THAT EVE
MUST HAVE BEEN RATHER JEALOUS, AND PROBALLY FORCE FED THIS CERTAIN
APPLE TO BOB. THAT WAS WHEN ADAM DECIDED TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH
THIS APPLE. HOWEVER, THE APPLE WAS PLUGGED IN, AND THE 64K RAM CARD
GAVE HIM A RATHER NASTY SHOCK IN A UNIQUE AREA OF HIS BODY. EVE, AGAIN,
WASN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT THIS. SO, GOD DECIDED THAT THEY WERE ALL CRAZY,
AND HAD THEM EVICTED FROM THE GARDEN. AND THE POOR NEW USERS WERE WEEDED
OUT, AND FORCED TO LEAVE. NOW, WHERE, YOU MIGHT ASK, IS THIS GARDEN?
WELL, GO OVER TO THE HOME OF ERIC C. THOMPSON AND LOOK IN HIS BACKYARD.
NOW, GRANTED, IT'S NOT THERE, BUT IT'S ONE HECK OF A START.
CHAPTER THREE: BELGIAN WAFFLES "THE WORLD IS OYSTER. THE
OYSTER IS MY PAC-MEN."
-THE VANMASTER
WE HERE, AT ANARCHY INC. HAVE A GURU. HE HAS RECENTLY
ARRIVED FROM BELGIUM, AND HE IS A WAFFLE. HE SPEAKS NO ENGLISH, HAS SEXUAL
FANTASIES WITH SYRUP, AND WEIRD TATTOOS ON HIS FACE. HIS NAME, AS NAMED
BY THE HOLY WAFFLE PEOPLE IN THE HIGH MOUNTAINS OF BELGIUM, IS TRANSLATED
LOOSELY(HMMM...) AS YO-GERT OF VANZUYLEN. HE HAS COME TO THE OFFICES
OF ANARCHY INC. FOR POLITICAL ASYLUM. HOWEVER, THE JUDGE ALMOST THREW
US IN THE ASYLUM, FOR TRYING TO GET UNITED STATES CITIZENSHIP FOR A WAFFLE.
THE BEST WE COULD DO WAS GET HIM HIS OWN PASSWORD ON THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
WE HAVE COME TO KNOW THIS GURU VERY WELL, AND EVEN THOUGH ERIC C. THOMPSON
HAS ATTEMPTED MANY TIMES TO PREFORM CANNABALISM ON HIM, WE HAVE VENTED
ERIC OFF, RESULTING IN A VERY HAPPY, AND MOLDY, WAFFLE. IT IS SAID THAT
GANDAHI, WHEN HE DIED, HIS SPIRIT LIFTED INTO THE BODY OF THIS WAFFLE.
HOWEVER, HE WOULD BE AN ILLEGAL ALIEN, BEING IN AMERICA, SO OUR
BELOVED WAFFLE IS BEING DEPORTED TOMORROW.
COMING SOON...FROM ANARCHY INC.
"THE QUEST FOR A WAFFLE"
"UHHH, RIGHT."
I LOOKED UP AT THE MOON ROACH, WHO STOOD TOWERING OVER ME. HE
DIDN'T LOOK VERY HAPPY. HIS ANTENNIAS BOBBED UP AND DOWN IN UNHAPPY
DISCONTENT. "LOOK, DAREDEVIL, WE CAN'T WRITE A FILE ON WAFFLES."
I TWITCHED MY LIP, AND GAVE HIM A SOMEWHAT WORRIED LOOK. "WELL,
YOU SEE, ROACHIE, WE NEED MORE TEXT-FILES. WE'RE BEHIND SCHEDULE. AND-"
THE MOON ROACH CUT ME OFF THERE, STATING THAT ANARCHY INC. WOULD
HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WAFFLES. PERHAPS, I WOULD NOT UPLOAD THIS ONE.
BUT MAYBE, WHEN HE'S NOT IN THE OFFICES OF ANARCHY INC., I'M GOING TO
SNEAK OVER TO THE APPLE, BOOT MY COPY OF AE, AND UPLOAD THIS TEXT-FILE.
JUST DON'T TELL HIM, OKAY? RUBY AND I WOULD APPRICIATE IT. THE
VANMASTER PROBALLY DOESN'T CARE EITHER WAY, AS LONG AS HE GETS PAID.
..A GROUP EFFORT TEXT FILE...
WRITTEN IN FULL BY: RUBY TUESDAY, THE DAREDEVIL, AND THE VANMASTER.
(AH, THE WONDERS OF THREE WAY CALLING.)